Well it looks like the folks with hair have screwed it up again. The whole financial system, built by WASPs with full heads of hair is crumbling and who does the world turn to in order to save the day? The Bald. Seems like whenever trouble hits our fair country the Bald Men are called to action.
Our saviors this time, Paulson and Bernake, have less than six working follicles between them. Chris Cox, the Chairman of the SEC, is trying to help, but he spent half of the time in the $700 billion bailout meeting trying to get that darn cowlick to stay down. Cox seems more focused on whether or not he should frost his tips then save the world.
You see that is why we bald folk are always good in a crisis, total focus. We don't have to worry about shampooing, rinsing and repeating; we don't concern ourselves with hair dryers or the wind messing up our coif; we don't have hot women lusting after us that could distract us from the task at hand. Lets look at other events and see how the Bald factor pattern holds up:
Only investment bank still surviving, Goldman Sachs run by the Bald Lloyd Blankefield
Greatest athletes of all time, Michael Jordan, Barry Bonds and Tiger Woods, Bald, Bald and Balding (yeah, Tiger everyone knows)
When you really need an action star who does Hollywood turn to? The chrome domes of Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson and to a lesser extent the toupee-wearing Steven Segal.
Who do our enemies fear the full head of hair that is George Bush or the bald pate of Dick Cheney?
Other powerful baldies of note: Chairman Mao of China, George Forman, Ed Koch, Madeline Albright, Dwight Eisenhower, Darth Vader (I know his hair was burned off, but it still counts), Gerald Ford (our last bald president), John McCain (our next bald president), Steve Jobs (close enough to bald to get a mention), Steve Schwartzman (ditto), Joe Biden (comb overs count) and of course, me The Big Cram!
Ralph Nader:
The sight of you gives me a headache. The sound of you fills me with murderous rage. The reasoning you employ makes me want to poop in my pants. I hate you. I loathe you. I'd like to put your chrome-dome in a vise and squeeze it shut while watching the little brain matter that you carry in your dumb bald head plop out and on to my basement floor. Other than that, I don't give you much thought. Vote Nader in '08.
9/24/2008 1:01 PMWoody Harrelson:
You said it, ma friend. We's gotta lookin' after y'all.
9/24/2008 4:09 PMJim Cramer:
Nader your full head of hair punk, you cost the Balding Al Gore the Presidency. If you were not such a jackass, none of this ever would have happened!
9/24/2008 4:17 PMRalph Nader:
Cramer, there is a very slight chance that I may be responsible for the dimwitted, depthless, delusional dumbfuck in office, but you are a communist half-man with rotting innards, who owes his entire career to a bargain he made with the Devil himself wherein you promised post-mortem rim jobs for eternity. Thanks, but I think I'd rather be me. Voter Nader in '08.
9/24/2008 4:42 PMAl Gore:
I agree with Cramer, Nader you blow donkey balls.
9/24/2008 5:06 PMHulk Hogan:
Cramer, you beautiful bastard, how could you forget the Hulkster!! I know I am fooling no one with this bandana I wear every day, bald is beautiful baby!!
9/24/2008 5:08 PMJohn Edwards:
Cramer is right, my beautiful and expensive to maintain head of hair is why I could never be President...well that and my lack of experience, wacky pinko liberal policies and cheating on my dying wife...but mostly it was the hair.
9/24/2008 5:10 PMAl Sharpton:
Fuck off Edwards, my beautiful flowing locks are nothing but an asset, now if only wearing track suits came back in style I would be running this country fa schizzle my nizzles!!
9/24/2008 5:12 PMDonald Trump:
Cramer you ignorant punk, from the days of Samson to the great Ronald Regan a person's power is proportional to his hair folices. Why do you think I go to such great length to smear goat placentas on my scalp each night and then have a team of eight work for three hours on my combover every day? You think I like going to the sleep to the smell of goat placenta?!?! I don't, it freakin stinks, like three day old human placenta which despite what an old chinese text says will not grow hair even after three days.
9/24/2008 5:16 PMParis Hilton:
Its true, my pussy is bald and my pussy is the sixth most powerful entity on earth...and the third most viewed
9/24/2008 5:17 PMDalai Lama:
Word.
9/24/2008 8:23 PMJoe Biden:
Get some damn transplants--that way you can rule the world and still get a hot wife.
9/24/2008 8:58 PMSamuel L. Jackson:
you got-damm right the bald rule, I just built a monument to my own bad, bald self!
9/24/2008 9:13 PMFred Thompson:
Now you just wait a gosh darn second, I am bald and couldn't get even one electoral vote! Explain that?!? What? What was that? Oh, my awful campaigning, right, right.
9/24/2008 9:17 PMJim Cramer:
My brothers I don't know how I could have forgotten you, Hogan, Gore, Paris Hilton's snizz and of course others like Dr. Phil, Guiliani, Jeff Bezos and Big Daddy Diesel himself Shaq. And the Bald shall reign, forever and ever. Amen.
9/24/2008 9:19 PMJohn Mayer:
I would just like to point out that I am bald where it counts. Girls like that little-boy look. Well, Jen did anyway.
9/25/2008 8:33 AMMichael Phelps:
I shave every square millimeter of my body. I am the best swimmer on earth. Do the fucking math.
9/25/2008 8:34 AMBigfoot:
Bigfoot no like, hair mean power! Bigfoot smash bald man. Smash!!
9/25/2008 10:29 AMWilliam Shatner:
Cramer, thank you for not revealing the fact that I wear a toupee. I mean, what, would happen, to, my acting, career, if, people, knew? Oh, wait, I just let it slip, you, tricked me, into doing that, Cramer. CRAAAAAAMMMMMMEEEERRRR!!
9/25/2008 10:33 AMPope Benedict XVI:
Shatner, at least I didn't trick you into revealing you are also a homosexual. You homo.
9/25/2008 2:07 PMMr. T:
I pity the fool that doesn't shave his head and get beautiful. If you are shy then leave the mohawk in, sucka.
9/25/2008 2:08 PMVladimir Putin:
Mr. Cramer did you call me bald? I shall crush you, first I will send my tax men in to seize your assets, then I will shut off your gas supplies, then my tanks will roll through and occupy your territory. Putin is not Bald, I have a strong powerful mane like Stalin.
9/25/2008 2:12 PMJohn McCain:
Cramer, my friend, you are absolutley right, and you provide yet another reason that I am more qualified then my afro sporting opponent. However, its time for us to come together as Americans, the Bald and Hairy alike, and to work together to make the fundementals of our economy strong...oh wait I said they were strong already...oh wait I then said it a crisis...shucks where are Sarah Palin's huge cans to distract everyone?
9/26/2008 11:37 AMBill Clinton:
Can we get back to Paris' comments? Pictures please.
9/30/2008 11:58 AMAnonymous:
newsletter
2/28/2009 8:21 AM