I see a lot of uneasiness out there in the audience. I get the distinct impression you all think I'm going to ruin our chances with one minor slip of the tongue in my speech tonight. I only get that impression because you've told me so.

Hey, chill out, bitches! I've been a politician for, like, 35 years! What could I possibly say to sound more like an obnoxious dickhead! Here's the 5 points I plan to cover in my speech:

1. John McCain's military service is pretty gay when you think about it: He finished 894th out of his naval class of 899.  He got shot down over Vietnam.  And then, although reports are sketchy, he started crying within 3 hours of being held captive. 

2. Michelle Obama is a righteous babe: Perhaps you’ve seen my cooing, groveling praise of her in the press. Seriously we haven't had this kind of first lady tail since Jackie O, or dare I say it Sarah Childress Polk ... ohhh sweet, sweet Sarah Childress Polk:

3. John McCain has gas: Vicious, right-wing, PF Chang's-like gas.

4. Hillary supporters who threaten to vote for McCain are full of shit: Just sayin'. 

5. Barack is only HALF black: Seriously!  Did you ever really stop and think about that?  And now that I'm the presumptive Dem VP, you'd really only be voting for a ticket that's one-quarter black!  So relax, West Virginia.