You know, I'm used to hardball politics and sleazy, unfair attacks by Neanderthal GOP types, but dammit, it's time to fight back.

A conservative columnist recently claimed I was getting more lenient treatment from the mainstream media than Neanderthallete Sarah Palin, and that I could say "Get these squirrels off of me!" on Meet the Press without so much as a raised eyebrow from left-leaning anchorpeople and commentators.

Well let me tell you, pal, as my dad used to say, "Champ, when they knock you down, take a standing 8-count to clear your head."

But just to prove the right-wing conspiracy types wrong, today I'm going on Meet the Press with three squirrels, an advance man and my personal makeup girl.  We'll show 'em.

What exactly is so wrong with having squirrels on you? First of all, it shows my commitment to the environment. Sarah Palin shoots meese, or mooses, or whatever the plural of "moose" is. A lot of squirrels have never been inside the NBC studios, much less seen Tom Brokaw.

Second, rodents represent the fastest-growing non-human subset of likely voters. I'd be stupid not to reach out to moderate and undecided squirrels. And don't start in with how I finished 76th out of 85 students in my law school class. I still say that put me in the top half!

Finally, I think I speak for all Americans when I say it's not right for smart-aleck columnists to throw squirrels on me, unless you're going to throw them on all the candidates other than Lyndon Larouche.

As I understand it, he carries his own personal squirrels with him wherever he goes.