When a primary has gone on this long, when divisiveness overshadows democracy, the American people want -- and need -- someone to tell them how to vote. Who better than a trial attorney with two failed presidential bids on his resume?

I endorsed Barack Obama because I believe in his chances to win the Democratic Party's nomination. I believe that he is committed to having just one America -- not two. Barack shares my passion for the populist message and for the virtues of Rain-X. But most importantly, I believe in his pastor's statement "God damn America." Because that's how I felt after the stupid American people wouldn't vote for me.

Now Elizabeth, she's still on the fence (poor fence, I hope it can withstand her weight). She is leaning towards Hillary because of her health care plan. But it's a sad day when wives of failed presidential candidates can make endorsements.

Seems like Elizabeth's head is getting bigger. Which isn't such a bad thing. I mean, she's pretty plump, and an increase in her head size would make her more proportioned.

But America  -- both of you Americas -- I'm not here to talk about Elizabeth's fat head and body. I'm here to tell her to shut the heck up, dangit!

My wife is out there plugging Hillary Clinton's health plan on national television. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but ain't I the one who should be out there backing the policies of the remaining candidates? After all, I'm the one who runs and loses every four years, not Elizabeth.

Elizabeth, I got a good notion to sue you -- again.

(Photo credit: Associated Press)

Folks, sometimes I crack myself up. Y'all in the media asked me if I would accept the nomination as Vice President and -- get this -- I said nope.

Ha ha. I did. I said no siree.

And if you believe that, you'd probably believe me if I told you I wouldn't sue an 8-year-old for selling me lukewarm lemonade. Heck, it happened. And I won. Kid shoulda thought twice before advertising ice-cold lemonade on his storefront, then selling a beverage warmer than goat urine. Took that sumbitch's lemonade stand and everything. 

Anyhow, who the heck am I kidding. I'd take the VP nomination from Hillary or Barack. Heck, I'd accept it if McCain offered it to me.

I gotta run y'all. I'm typing this thing on the court reporter's stenotype, and I...yep...I'll be a sonofagun, I done think I got carpal tunnel. Looks like Johnny Edwards has himself another winning lawsuit. My victim? The state of North Carolina.

Ouch my fingers, hands and wrist hurt.

Well, well, well. Looky what we got here!

We got ourselves a presidential race in which the Republican candidate is cruising toward the general election with the support of his whole party, meanwhile my party, the party of real American working-class values, is being sodomized by a civil war between a bat-shit crazy lesbian and a black guy who looks like he should co-star opposite Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in a remake of "Twins".

The way I see it, there are two Americas. There's the America that understood that in such a contentious, significant presidential race in which so much is on the line, the best thing a party can do is rally behind a clean-cut, intelligent, non-polarizing, non-controversial white male candidate who will just smile and "Aw, shucks" his way into office. I love that America. That America is like the nice old daycare center lady with the thick glasses and the tig 'ole bitties who looks after all the little idiot kids and teaches them to not eat their own poopies.

Then there's the Other America. The crotch-sniffing, mother-teabagging horde of numbskulls who decided that rather than see credibility restored to the Democratic Party, the White House and the United States of America, they'd rather see a big 'ole cockfight. They'd rather play a round of America's traditional favorite game:  "Who Do We Hate More: Black Men Who Rise Above Their Station, Or Bitchy Dykes?"

You know who wins that game, Other America? The God-damned fucking Republicans. That's who.

I hate your stinkin guts, Other America. We got the most important election cycle since, well, since the last one, and all y'all couldn't just be smart and play it safe. I mean, look at how fucking electable I am! I'm delectably electable. For chrissakes, I got a wife with cancer! And also, I'm white. And a man.