Son of a biscuit eater! After Stupid Tuesday, things are still as unsettled as before. Maybe even more so. I just need to know who the heck is going to be the next president so I can beg him or her to make me Attorney General. With me as Attorney General, we could actually lower taxes.

Lower taxes. Doesn’t sound like a Democrat, does it? But if Hillary or Barack, or heck, that liberal in disguise John McCain, were to nominate me for the position of Attorney General, I would rake in the billable hours and the huge settlements. I’d sue the pants off everyone in this country and erase the deficit faster than you can say Pharmaceutical Drug Litigation.

I’d run that Attorney General’s office like a solid ambulance chasin’ law firm. Don’t even call it the Office of the Attorney General. Call it Edwards & Associates, LLP. A slip and fall down at the Capitol building? That’s an easy $3 million lawsuit right there. Someone trip on a frayed carpet during a White House tour? Cha-ching!

Dang it, I usually try to stay upbeat and positive. But this Super Tuesday business has got me down in the dumps. I wish I were still in the race. At least when Tom Brady loses, he can still go home and bang Giselle. But I gotta go home to Elizabeth. Yuck.

Associated Press

I’ve been in such a bad mood lately, I’ve been suing everyone. I sued my Guatemalan maid for putting my gym socks away in the wrong drawer. I sued my kid for listening to the crappiest music I ever heard (he said it was some clown named John Mayer). I even sued Elizabeth for overcooking my fish the other night at dinner. Yep, it hasn’t been easy living with John Edwards lately.

If Paul Krugman were a state, I’d actually have been able to win the primary there - and win big. The New York Times columnist can’t get enough of me. And I can’t really say that I blame him. PK bought into my populist message. I just wish more people had.

Maybe I’ll send him a couple bottles of Rain-X. Lord knows Elizabeth would be happy if I got rid of some Rain-X. Our garage is packed to the ceiling with boxes of the greatest glass treatment on the market.

Ever since I dropped out of the race for President, everyone’s been on me about who I’m going to endorse. Well, I haven’t decided yet. Let me be clear: I will endorse the Democratic nominee once we know who that nominee is. What I mean is: I promise to endorse either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama, whoever gets the party nomination. That’s a promise.

I am, however, prepared to make another announcement. I am proud to endorse Rain-X, the original glass treatment. My friends, Rain-X is heads and shoulders above any other product in its class when it comes to dramatically improving wet weather driving visibility. And it’s so easy to apply. Available at Pep Boys and other fine stores.

This baby was kissed in vain (AP)

You no longer have Johnny Edwards to kick around. I’m bowing out of the Presidential race. Going to help the poor and build some Jimmy Carter houses.

But this once-every-four-years experience has taught me so much about our country. Specifically how stupid you all are for failing to realize my greatness. I dedicated a full-term of service to this country as a Senator. And you all just pissed on my sacrifice. Do I feel foolish? Yes, yes I do. I think of those years of toiling away in Washington D.C., dining at Trial Attorneys Lobby Night the very same night as Indulgent Night, and I wonder what could have been. More to the point, I wonder how much money I lost.

Hey Tedward, did you think I was doing it for your health? I sent you the booze in hopes of you returning the favor with an endorsement. Dangit, I can’t get any traction in this campaign. I thought a shipment of alcohol would at least land me a Kennedy.

It’s not too late for you to jump camps. How about if I offer to represent all immediate and extended Kennedy family members in future scandals? I’m pretty good at bullshittin’ in the courtroom. And Lord knows your brood will take advantage of my legal skills.

Ah forget it. I’m not going to beg. Just don’t let me see you and Barack sipping that Chivas together. That will hurt.