As a lawyer and a senator, I advocated to change the way Americans respond to emergencies: Don’t call 9-1-1, call an Olsen twin. I’ll continue to do this as President of this great country.

Associated Press

Anyone who gives the brave masseuse in the Heath Ledger tragedy a problem for dialing Mary Kate before calling an ambulance is going to have to answer to me.

On the first day of my Presidency, I am going to work to re-route 9-1-1 to an Olsen twin’s cellphone. In every corner of this country, people will feel the security of knowing that if a heart attack strikes, if a car crashes, if a cat is stuck in a tree, they’ll be a mere three numbers away from getting guidance from “Full House’s” baby Michelle.

I also pledge to make Bronson Pinchot of Balki Bartokomous fame (”Perfect Strangers”) my Homeland Security director.