Well, well, well. Looky what we got here!

We got ourselves a presidential race in which the Republican candidate is cruising toward the general election with the support of his whole party, meanwhile my party, the party of real American working-class values, is being sodomized by a civil war between a bat-shit crazy lesbian and a black guy who looks like he should co-star opposite Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in a remake of "Twins".

The way I see it, there are two Americas. There's the America that understood that in such a contentious, significant presidential race in which so much is on the line, the best thing a party can do is rally behind a clean-cut, intelligent, non-polarizing, non-controversial white male candidate who will just smile and "Aw, shucks" his way into office. I love that America. That America is like the nice old daycare center lady with the thick glasses and the tig 'ole bitties who looks after all the little idiot kids and teaches them to not eat their own poopies.

Then there's the Other America. The crotch-sniffing, mother-teabagging horde of numbskulls who decided that rather than see credibility restored to the Democratic Party, the White House and the United States of America, they'd rather see a big 'ole cockfight. They'd rather play a round of America's traditional favorite game:  "Who Do We Hate More: Black Men Who Rise Above Their Station, Or Bitchy Dykes?"

You know who wins that game, Other America? The God-damned fucking Republicans. That's who.

I hate your stinkin guts, Other America. We got the most important election cycle since, well, since the last one, and all y'all couldn't just be smart and play it safe. I mean, look at how fucking electable I am! I'm delectably electable. For chrissakes, I got a wife with cancer! And also, I'm white. And a man.

And you're telling me that you think the freakshow that you got goin' on up there now called the 2008 Democratic Primary is a better choice? Well, here's my official senatorial response to that opinion: Suck me long, and suck me strong, motherfuckers.

What makes all y'all's bullshit so especially difficult to stomach is that as brain dead as y'all are, you surprisingly never seem to be at a loss for words when asked to explain your fucked-up rationale. "But Senator Edwards," y'all tell me," Barack Obama would be a better president because he's a jolt of fresh blood and new ideas into a cynical system."

Or better still, "John, Hillary is the best choice for president because she has so much more experience."

Shut up, bitch! Having experience or having peachy new ideas don't mean diddly squat if come January 20, 2009 you are not sitting behind that Resolute desk in the Oval Fucking Office. And if you think that at this point America is ready to collectively cast a ballot for either one of those assclowns, well, Other America, congratulations. You're exactly as fucking stupid as I thought you were.

In any case, whoever gets elected as a result of this shit show, and by that I mean John McCain, will not change the very sad and troubling fact that in this nation, two severely different Americas continue to exist side by side: the America that clearly understood that I was the only electable Democratic candidate capable of saving this hellhole of a country from itself, and the Other America, comprised of everyone else, who I wish would just die.

So in closing, fuck y'all. I'm done typing about this. Next week I'll blog about cleaning my boat or some shit.

(Photo credit: Associated Press)