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Even blues singers get the blues

By John Mayer

I know, I know. I've not been blogging as much as I'd like, or as much as my stalker, Andy, would like me to. What with all my interviews lately, my dating Jennifer Aniston (who has been writing these blogs with me now), and the release of my live DVD, I don't always have time to sit here and discuss the ways we can save the world, end poverty, and deport Simon Cowell. 

 

Jennifer and I didn't have anything to blog about, until she reminded me that I need to pay my traffic ticket soon. What a bummer. Jennifer and I were told that famous people in Land Rovers in West Hollywood didn't get tickets or even notice of the police or photographers unless they were on drugs and not wearing panties.

 

Well, I can guarantee that Jennifer and I were wearing panties.

6/11/2008 10:03 AM, West Hollywood
1 comment

Jennifer Aniston and I are in search of a cute celebrity name

By John Mayer

Bio & Blog

Jennifer and I are showing all the signs of a healthy photographed relationship. We're seen eating out, we're seen going into the movie theaters, and we're going to get matching tattoos. I'm thinking "Cowboy/Cowgirl up" - what do you guys think?

But one think we're missing is a cute celebrity name. You know, like Brangelina, Speidi, Tomkat, etc. I already have some that I'm thinking of, but I wanted to get your opinion first:

  • Mayerston
  • Animayer
  • JohnJen
  • Mayifer
  • Lovebirds

That last one wasn't my idea (and I even told her it's two words). She's been watching over this blog post the whole time, and she typed it in while I stopped to go to the bathroom. So, from now on, she's probably going to be overseeing all these blogs. That just means they'll be really cute. 

6/4/2008 1:10 PM, Los Angeles, CA
3 comments

Jealous exes better watch out if they don't want a passive-aggressive song written about them

By John Mayer

Bio & Blog

So this weekend, I was at home, trying to spend a peaceful Memorial Day weekend with Jennifer (Yes, musicians take holidays, too). We had this whole luau theme going on, and I was in my Hawaiian shirt, Jennifer was topless with a grass skirt, and we were listening to a demo tape of Rob Thomas covering Jimmy Buffet songs.  Does it get any better?

Shortly after this picture, this actress informed she wasn't wearing panties.

And what appears in the middle of my zen-like weekend? Jealous exes trying to pee all over me and Jen's romance.

First, her ex, Vince Vaughn says I'm in it for the publicity. Umm, Vince, what publicity? People stop and see us on the street because we make a cute couple. Then, my ex, Jessica Simpson, calls me a ladies' man (which is kind of a compliment - thanks Jess!), trying to convince Jennifer to not date me.

5/28/2008 1:15 PM, Los Angeles, CA
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David Cook is about as talented as Dane Cook

By John Mayer

Bio & Blog

One of the annoying things about blogging at News Groper is that the editors are constantly asking me for guitar advice, or they're asking if I can find them tabs to old Smashing Pumpkins songs, or they're quoting lines to Spinal Tap, thinking I'll reply back with a quote (how many times to I have to tell them I haven't seen it?). But recently, they've been bugging me about American Idol.

One of them said, "Do you think David Cook is a god?" Sorry, Idol fans, but he's not very good. Here's why:

5/23/2008 10:18 AM, New York
28 comments

I taught Jennifer guitar, she taught me the mysteries of love

By John Mayer

Bio & Blog

People are too curious about the personal lives of celebrities and musicians. Everybody has been asking Jennifer or me how we got together. It's no secret: she was taking guitar lessons from me.

 

She saw my ad on the street and she called me asking if the first lesson really was free. I said, "Yes, the first lesson is free, especially for you, because you have a pretty voice." Well, that charmed her and won her over and she became my student. And quickly, she was my student at something else, if you know what I mean!

5/20/2008 10:17 AM, Los Angeles, CA
1 comment

My dad would never lose his backstage pass

By John Mayer

Bio & Blog

My editors asked me to keep my finger on the nation’s musical pulse. You know why? The music department of News Groper is just a mess. Bono is always doing "charity work." Miley Cyrus is usually over flirting with Gordon Ramsey (bad taste in men if you ask me), and Bjork barely speaks English.

Part of my checking in with the mainstream music world includes things like watching American Idol and catching all the juicy gossips. I brought a story about a juicy male-on-male backstage hookup, but I was told to keep it PG. Personally, I think the people who run News Groper are in bed with the people who run American Idol.

5/13/2008 10:22 AM, Hollywood
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Hillary Guy, you need me

By John Mayer

Bio & Blog

Hillary Guy, this message is for you. I've seen your video. I've analyzed it from all angles. I have to say I'm impressed, and I'm not easily impressed. I like the way you filmed the video most of all, even though I don't know how you had the camera rolling while you were in front of it? If you are reading this, Hillary Guy, please let me know. I've been wanting that same sort of effect for my own videos.

5/8/2008 9:45 AM, New York
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Jennifer Aniston, do you like my new hair?

By John Mayer

Bio & Blog

I'm blogging from my car, and I'm parked outside my new girlfriend's house. Lately, she hasn't been returning my calls, so I decided to come over here and see what's up. Well, that was last night, and I just woke up. --yawn-- By the way, does anyone know what the emoticon for "yawn" actually is? If so, please comment below.

She's been acting weird:

5/6/2008 10:33 AM, Hollywood
2 comments

Boston stinks

By John Mayer

Bio & Blog

 I'm in Boston, and it smells like someone farted. I read that some pipes busted and there were problems with the gas and the water. Anyway, from where I am, in a hotel on the waterfront, it seriously stinks.

I'm here to visit my old school, Berklee, where I used to study music. So yesterday I went to the school to see if any of my old teachers were there and to maybe catch some young musicians showcase what they're learning. I saw a lot of kids in an auditorium playing guitar, and I walked up to someone who looked like they were in charge, and I said, "Anything I can do to help?"

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, you can empty out those garbage cans back there."

So I emptied them out, thinking, Oh okay, the joke's on John Mayer. They're just riding me because I dropped out after two semesters.

5/2/2008 9:57 AM, Boston, MA
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Look for my cameo in Grand Theft Auto IV

By John Mayer

Bio & Blog

To be taken seriously in this business (music, not humanitarianism, in case you were wondering), you need to be one step ahead of everyone else. You can't just make albums and sit back and wait for fame. You can't just perform live, and then hang low at a coffee shop, hoping a co-ed brunette no taller than 5'6" with nice skin tone will just hop onto your lap.

You have to think the way the way Rob Thomas and Dave Matthews don't think. You have to appear where Bret Michaels and Bono refuse to appear. What better way to infuse myself into the minds of hipsters than to appear in the hotly anticipated Grand Theft Auto IV? Think about it: gamers have good hand-eye coordination, and so do guitarist-singers. 

You'll find me after you log about 100 hours in the game. There's a point where  you come to a new boss, he demands you pay him or he'll slap a bitch, and pay him. He says, "Very good. Now... I have a very special treat for you." And because you appeased the rich boss, he leads you into a theater and you're treated to a private show, where I'm playing and singing (only songs from Room for Squares, though).

4/30/2008 11:37 AM, New York
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