I hope you read the news, the internet, the little scroll at the bottom of the TV, and the back of cereal boxes with as much fervor as I do. If not, then you may have missed this recent article in NME.

Supposedly, music fans aren't trusting the record companies anymore. Is this true? Because if it is, I'm on board. I don't trust them either. Do you know how many promises of mine they've broken? 

1. They promised me a new bunch of plantains every other day. Fresh plantains. So far, it's only happened once. Then, two days later, some Whole Foods coupons were left at my doorstep, and the plantains were on sale, and the sale was circled.

2. When I lost my phone, I had to go to T-Mobile and get a new one. After this, it gave the record executives like a whole month of leeway to act like they couldn't get a hold of me, even though I replaced my phone like right away.

You know what it’s like to work next to a really, really annoying person? You know, the lady who yaks all day about her cats, or the douchebag who endlessly brags about how wasted he got over the weekend? Well, it’s kind of like that with Thom Yorke. He’s giving me a headache over here – he’s RIGHT NEXT TO ME!

First, we share the same cubicle wall, and he tore it down and erected one made of soy. (I was too afraid to look him in the eye and ask what he did with the old one.)

Second, he plastered his cubicle and his desk and his chair with “Use Less Stuff” and “Diffuse Your Nukes” stickers, and that annoying MC Escher-like Recycle logo. Can anyone tell me what this means?

Third, he installed an old hi-fi player, because he said CDs were too bourgeois and establishment. He’s playing someone called... Bonnie “Prince” Billy? I have no idea who he or she is, but it sounds like an old man croaking before he dies. It’s really, really bad. (Linking to the band/artist, so you can be freaked out, too!) Umm, Thom, you ever heard of Matchbox 20 or Everlast?

I've been catching some flack for listing my email address so flagrantly on my website, johnmayer.com. Some people think I shouldn't leave myself so open. They've said that I shouldn't just list john@johnmayer.com like, so publicly. I could get a lot of spam. I could be encouraging stalkers to email me at john@johnmayer.com.

Well, I always reply to emails from fans, especially hot fans. And I even respond to spam messages that come in to john@johnmayer.com. I got an email from Nigeria, asking me to help some widows come to the US so they can claim inheritance money. How can I turn down a Nigerian fan? The answer is I can't. And I don't mind encouraging stalkers. They have feelings, (and good musical taste), too. The thing you have to remember is that the more attention you give to stalkers and the more you let them watch you shower, the less likely they are to stab you in the night.

People are still emailing me, asking me if I kissed Perez Hilton, asking me if I'm gay. I'm tired of denying these accusations, so I'm going to talk about something else: not watching TV.

I don't watch a lot it. All I have time for is Good Eats, Rock of Love II, Big Bang Theory, CSI: NY, Mad Money, How to Look Good Naked, Lost, Oprah, and The Biggest Loser. I just don't have time for anything else outside of recording new music. So you can understand why I don't have the time to watch American Idol.

But a recent drinking session Justin Long and myself led to an interesting game of Truth or Dare in which the subject American Idol came up. In an effort to always tell the truth, I'm going to disclose what took place.

Justin: Truth or Dare?

Me: Truth.

Well, April is no longer Financial Literacy Month. Instead, it's become Spread Rumors About John Mayer month.

Since you come to this blog to hear the truth and to let me explain myself, you're probably anxious to know if I'm going to squash this rumor about Perez Hilton and I sharing a kiss. Well, you're going to have to get your gossipy kicks somewhere else. I cannot confirm that Perez Hilton and I shared a long, wet, and confusing kiss.

I didn't kiss him. But if I had, I could confidently say there was a fair amount of tongue. If I were a guessing man, I would guess that his favorite make-out tune is "My Guy" by Mary Wells. If I were a betting man, I would say his love handles are a good place to occupy one's hands.

I had to get on here to defend myself. It's absolutely untrue that I would Google myself every day to see what people were saying about me when I could just search Ask.com. The layout of the site is nicer, and I don't feel like I'm being bombard by ads to purchase Continuum (I already have a copy, but thanks anyway Google).

But be careful Los Angeles, be careful what you say, because a musician might be leaving tiny recording devices under bars, under restaurant tables, inside clutch purses, and under the counter of a certain organic foods store on Wilshire Boulevard. Not me, but another musician I know.

 Dear VH1,

I’ve been watching Rock of Love II with as much devotion as I did with Rock of Love. Bret Michaels is doing it wrong, so I’d like to host and star in Rock of Love 3. Here are some things I’ve been thinking about, some changes I would make, and overall why I would be a good candidate.

Have you heard? I've listed the qualifications of my future wife. If you're a teensy bit interested, you might want to read the whole article. Grab something to drink while you're at it because it's long and boring.

Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to talk about my future mistress. What am I looking for in a future mistress? I'll tell you, because it's all I think about. I'm looking for someone with experience in the film and TV industry. Having played a key role in a John Waters movie is a must. I'm not a superficial person, but I wouldn't say no to any dramatic weight loss. Most of all, I like a girl who's interested in the same things I'm interested in: namely, babies being born.