Associated Press

Yesterday, I told reporters that I’m no longer going to talk about my campaign. I didn’t “snap,” and I’m not “frustrated.” There’s just some things I’d like to talk about more than others. And to avoid any confusion in the future, I’m laying out a list of what I will and will not talk about from now on. If it is not adhered to by the press, I’m going to fucking snap be displeased.

My campaign. This includes my fundraising problems, defections from my political team, and any noises you may hear coming from the bathroom of the Straight Talk Express.

Iraq, specifically, the progress we’re making there, as demonstrated by the ability to walk through Baghdad markets under protection from half of the United States military.

My parents having sex. Even typing this right now, it makes me very uncomfortable to think about.

Rudy Giuliani’s support of baby killing and the gays.

The last episode of The Sopranos. I still haven’t seen it and I don’t want anyone to ruin it for me.

General Petraeus. I will frequently make unspecific references to his name in order to create an aura of legitimacy for my position on Iraq. For example, “We can’t change course in Iraq. General Petraeus. Give the surge more time.”