Look, we can argue all day over what my religion is, and after a long hard day of arguing, we still wouldn’t know who was right. The important thing — whether I’m Baptist, Episcopalian, an independently-minded maverick or a total douchebag — is that I believe in that guy, what’s his name Jesus Christ.

My specific denomination is really just a label, like on a can of beans. Let’s say you’re walking along the “highway of life” (but really, a real highway). And while you’re walking along the “highway of life” (because nobody will give you a ride), you find two cans of beautiful, unopened beans. One says “Bacon and Brown Sugar,” and the other says, “Maple.” Obviously these cans of beans are slightly different. But just as clear is that these cans will be absolutely delicious. Because inside each can is beans (our lord Jesus Christ). And in this metaphor, and in real life, I am sustained by beans.

Beans.