Keep clutching that pen, hero (AP)

Mitt, what do you see when you close your eyes at night? Is it a big bag of money with a dollar sign on it from your years as a ball-busting CEO? Is it the eight arms of your Mormon God?

Let me tell you what I see. The first image is of a tiny Viet Cong named Bamboo. We nicknamed him that because of this funny hobby he had of flailing our flesh with, you guessed it, bamboo. After that I usually see a montage of fallen comrades and innocent Vietnamese babies that drugged-out GI’s torched for fun. Other times I see the bloated face of my first wife, who I cheated on then dumped after a serious automobile accident left her for ugly.

So next time you go saying anything that could be perceived as negative about Bob Dole or anyone else who served in a war, you best think twice.

They are above criticism. Now and forever. Go ahead and add the Reserves and ROTC to the immunity list – many have entered this conflict and if I’m elected, the rest will certainly be desert-bound shortly. Actors who play war heroes in movies and T.V. shows have to endure horror as well, however imaginary, so they get a pass too.

The only people who you may criticize are liberals and yourself.