Friends, two weeks ago I tried to talk about the economy but got sidetracked with hedge funds or mortgage dividends or something. I talked it over with my economic advisors, but after three hours of them talking at me, I know even less than I did before. So when I had to give a speech about the economy, I decided to just cut through all the bullshit. Are you ready for some fucking genius? Here it is:

Cut taxes.

The economy is bad because people don't have enough money, right? And people don't have enough money because the government keeps taking it. So don't let the government take the money, and the economy gets better. You don't need some fancy-pants Wall Street guy to explain that logic. And I got that idea from my number one economic advisor, Mother.

Mother knows what she's talking about because she doesn't believe in "interest." You put your money in a bank, and you get more money? Mother says that's "Jap trickery." She keeps her money under her mattress, where she can see it.

Mother also gave me the idea to suspend gas taxes for a while. She says if gas is cheap, we can put a bunch of it in cans and hoard it for when the price goes up again. She's got so many plans I told her she should be the one running for president, but she hit me over the head and says, "Idiot! Everyone knows it's against the law for a woman to hold office! Now get me my carrot soup! You made it too hot last time!"

I've got to cut this off. We're going to drive around town and find some empty gas cans. Coming, Mother!