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John McCain’s Blog

What America really needs: time travel

By John McCain

Bio & Blog

Friends, I know you love my idea to suspend gas taxes for a summer, but some people just don’t get it. My advisors started talking a lot of nonsense about how gas prices will actually go up if I cut taxes—blah, blah, blah, as usual. I wasn’t paying that much attention, actually, because I’ve been reading this great book about the discovery of a time-traveling asteroid inhabited by futuristic humans who worship Ralph Nader. The writer, Greg Bear, really seemed to have some good ideas, and it got me thinking, why don't science-fiction authors offer the government advice on how to run things?

Turns out, they do. As soon as I saw that, I was on the phone, shouting, "Get me Greg Bear! The future of our world depends on it!"

The voice on the other end said, "Who is this? I think you have the wrong number." Damn touch-tone phones.

Anyway, I finally got in touch with Bear's group of scientists, and boy, were they smart! Larry Niven told me I should start a rumor that Hilary Clinton was a robot, then this Pournelle guy said I should build a Hillary robot myself and program it to tell everyone she's a lesbian. Then they got sort of sidetracked talking about robots. But after five hours of intense brainstorming, they came up with a plan to solve the energy crisis that's even better than the gas tax holiday and avoids all this "Green" bullshit:

Step One: Invent time travel. (They tell me this would be the tricky part.)

Step Two: Travel back in time to the Middle Ages, when there was plenty of oil in the ground because no one had thought of drilling for it yet.

Step Three: Set up oil drilling operations in the past. This would be cheap because you could enlist the peasentry to work for just the chance to eat bread every day.

Step Four: Well, they didn't tell me step four, because they got into a big argument over whether enslaving our ancestors would change the present, or if it would create a parallel universe, or something. I  don't really understand science. But the time travel idea just might work. I'll tell Stephen Hawking to get right on it.

Wait a second, that doesn't make sense. I'll just wait for the future Stephen Hawking to come to me and tell me how it went. See, I can think like a scientist too.

4/30/2008 12:33 PM, New York

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Barack Obama:

If I go back to the middle ages, I could say howdy to your younger self. SNAP!

4/30/2008 2:18 PM

Bob Dylan:

Man, if I could go back to the middle ages, I would tell them, "Hey, you should try putting some meat between two slices of bread. You can call it a Dylan. Also, if this guy shows up named Hitler, don't listen to him. He's bad news."

4/30/2008 2:56 PM



10/20/2008 10:04 PM