I don't know about you, but I've had enough of people criticizing my military record. Six years as a POW isn't enough for you Wes Clark? You want me to go back on weekends, you little twerp?

So it's time to break out the "n" word in my campaign against Barack "Sadam Hussein" Obama. No, not that one. Not even "nappy-headed". I mean--"nice".

My wife Cindy is way nicer than Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama looks like the woman who tells you, after you've waited for 45 minutes at the Registry of Motor Vehicles, that you're in the wrong line. And it's time for her coffee break. And she doesn't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut what you think when you threaten to complain to her supervisor.

Cindy is worth $100 million because of Budweiser distributorships--and she's totally bitchin'. And she owns part of the Arizona Diamondbacks. And she's all mine. Deal with it.

I don't care if Michelle went to school at Harvard and Princeton. Do you want her on a postage stamp, or cutting ribbons to Alzheimer's Centers, or proclaiming National Girl Scout Cookie Day? Not on a bet. You want my wife--blonde, beautiful, bodacious.

There's just one catch. To get her, you gotta take me.

(Photo credit: Associated Press)