Jeez Barack, is there a world leader you haven't met this week? I've been busy too -- seeing influential people in THIS country. And not just because I'm an isolationist with designs to build a 30-foot fortress around the country (and a sweet moat!). It's cause this America first outlook is giving me lots of momentum (McCainentum?) in pivotal swing states.

While you've broken pita with a litany of smelly foreigners, I've sat down with these important AMERICANS:

Ronald McDonald: It's not all smiles and happy meals over on Burgler Boulevard. Imagine a world where the dollar menu has to be raised to $1.50 or -- gasp -- $2.00. This will not happen on my watch, and I'm willing to offer the billion-dollar company subsidies to ensure no misnomer with that popular menu occurs. It is already happening in our airports people! 

The President of the United Steelworkers of America. To be honest I did this just so I could pad the resume of important-sounding people meetings. He was really boring and wouldn't let me try out a blow torch, so I spent the whole meeting fantasizing about having blow torches for arms.

The Burger King king -- Purely a political move to counter balance my meeting with Ronald. This was one of those meandering meetings where we bullshitted for a couple hours and clearly just wasted each other's time. BK's fries are terrible by the way.

Your wife Michelle. Yeah I went there. You leave an attractive woman in her sexual prime alone for such a long time and her eyes start to wander for experience. We've had some good chats in the last few days. I was horrified to learn that you aren't a post-coital cuddler, Barack. I can be that teddy bear. For America and for your smoking hot wife.