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John McCain’s Blog

John McCain's anti-party line voting history has earned the former Vietnam POW "maverick" status, as he often sides against mainstream Republican ideology concerning environmental policies and tax cuts. Certainly McCain does not shirk from controversy. In April 2007, McCain changed the lyrics of 50's hit "Barbara Ann" to "Bomb Iran" and performed for a veteran group. He faced severe criticism for his off-tune and lackluster performance.

What America really needs: time travel

By John McCain

Friends, I know you love my idea to suspend gas taxes for a summer, but some people just don’t get it. My advisors started talking a lot of nonsense about how gas prices will actually go up if I cut taxes—blah, blah, blah, as usual. I wasn’t paying that much attention, actually, because I’ve been reading this great book about the discovery of a time-traveling asteroid inhabited by futuristic humans who worship Ralph Nader. The writer, Greg Bear, really seemed to have some good ideas, and it got me thinking, why don't science-fiction authors offer the government advice on how to run things?

Turns out, they do. As soon as I saw that, I was on the phone, shouting, "Get me Greg Bear! The future of our world depends on it!"

The voice on the other end said, "Who is this? I think you have the wrong number." Damn touch-tone phones.

4/30/2008 12:33 PM, New York
3 comments

An open letter to the black people I forgot about

By John McCain

Bio & Blog

Dear Black People,

Hi, how’s it going? (Or I guess as you would say, “What’s up?”) I know we don’t have a lot in common—I’m an old, white, rich man and you don’t vote Republican unless the ballot is deliberately designed to be misleading—but like the song says, “It takes different strokes to move the world.”

That’s right, I watch popular black television programs, just like you.

4/23/2008 3:04 PM, New York
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Econ 101: Listen to your mom

By John McCain

Bio & Blog

Friends, two weeks ago I tried to talk about the economy but got sidetracked with hedge funds or mortgage dividends or something. I talked it over with my economic advisors, but after three hours of them talking at me, I know even less than I did before. So when I had to give a speech about the economy, I decided to just cut through all the bullshit. Are you ready for some fucking genius? Here it is:

Cut taxes.

The economy is bad because people don't have enough money, right? And people don't have enough money because the government keeps taking it. So don't let the government take the money, and the economy gets better. You don't need some fancy-pants Wall Street guy to explain that logic. And I got that idea from my number one economic advisor, Mother.

Mother knows what she's talking about because she doesn't believe in "interest." You put your money in a bank, and you get more money? Mother says that's "Jap trickery." She keeps her money under her mattress, where she can see it.

4/16/2008 1:54 PM, New York
1 comment

I will not attend the olympics

By John McCain

Bio & Blog

My friends, as you all are aware, there’s a big debate going on right now about whether we should boycott the Beijing Olympics. (The boycott was invented by Martin Luther King, one of, if not the, greatest humans ever.) Well my friends, I have made the decision not to attend the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, and here’s why. Get ready for some straight talk:

  1. I could not get a ticket.
  2. China is not using enough force in Tibet for my liking.
  3. Mother gets lonely when I’m away for too long. “Too long” is usually more than an hour.
  4. Mother says the first modern Olympics were the best and cannot be topped, especially “by the Chinamen.”
  5. I figure that by this summer I’ll be up to my neck in “100 years” attack ads that I need to be ready to defend against. 100 years…How about I kick your guys’ asses for a hundred years! Whoa there, stay cool McCain. Stay cool.

(Photo credit: Associated Press)

4/11/2008 10:07 AM, Straight Talk Express
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Ok maybe I didn't tell my wife I love to hunt

By John McCain

Bio & Blog

My friends, it's true, I slipped and called my wife Cindy a cunt back in 1992. But let's think about what was going on in '92 that had me in such a bad mood:

On October 7 - Tevfik Esenç, the last known speaker of Ubykh, died. Sad. Then on November 23, Miley Cyrus was born. Doubly sad. Plus, several months earlier, Microsoft released Windows 3.1. That thing had me in a bad mood for most of the damn year. I'm not even going to go into the fact that 1992 was the year that the Teflon Don John Gotti was convicted and sentenced to a lifetime in prison. Or that the police who beat Rodney King were acquitted that year. Or that EuroDisney opened. Or that Leno took over the Tonight Show. My friends, I loved Johnny Carson. Who didn't?

What a fucking bad year 1992 was.

So forgive me if I said what I said. Besides, Cindy committed a near-unforgivable transgression -- she told me I was thinning on top. You just don't mention a man's balding to him. My friends, if a man is balding, believe me, he is painfully aware of it.

 

4/9/2008 9:40 AM, Washington DC
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Veep or No Veep

By John McCain

Bio & Blog

As the media are reporting, I am compiling a list of Vice Presidential candidates. I have 20 names so far on that list, and I need six more. Why 26 names? Because, my friends, there are 26 cases to open on Deal or No Deal!

While Hillary and Barack are tearing each other down, I've been staying with Howie Mandel out here in sunny Cali putting together plans for what will no doubt be the highest-rated Deal or No Deal show ever. Even bigger than the episode where that annoying lady won $750,000.

Picture it: we have an independent accounting firm slip each potential candidate's name into a brushed aluminum case. Then we have someone call out the numbers. I'm still not sure whether I should call the numbers, or if I should have my 96-year-old mother do the honors. She loves that game.

When a number is called, my friends, a buxom, silicone-enhanced, taut vixen, who is spilling out of her dress like an overfilled glass of Ovaltine, opens the corresponding case. The name of the person in the case is eliminated.

4/7/2008 7:25 AM, Hollywood
6 comments

What America needs is more widgets

By John McCain

Bio & Blog

Hello friends,

Well, it’s been a rough week for Iraq, and a bad week for McCain. That’s the problem with basing your entire campaign on the prospects of the most unstable region on the planet. Who thought of that idea? I bet it was McKinnon. Son of a bitch.

So since I can’t play the Iraq card, I’m switching back to my other strength—the economy card. Now, friends, I know I’ve said before that I don’t understand economics. But clearly, without Iraq, I kind of have to. So I’ve been studying up on the current crisis. Get ready for some straight talk.

Okay, let’s see, uh…first there’s the houses. Millions of people bought houses, and um, well, they moved in. And then the housing market went down, and the people couldn’t pay. Okay here’s the part where I usually get confused.

The…uh…banks, big banks...bought the…debt? Or no wait, the hedge funds did something. Didn't they? Now I’m not so sure.

4/2/2008 11:22 AM, Straight Talk Express
3 comments

Wanted: hard-working team player to be second in command

By John McCain

Bio & Blog

Lately, everyone’s been asking me who my VP is going to be. All these governors keep calling me and saying, “Hey John, I really liked your interview on Fox News last night,” or “I think you’re a very handsome man,” or “You know what I would be really good at? Breaking a tie vote in the Senate.” I feel like the most popular girl in high school, except I don’t even have to put out. It’s going to take a while to find the perfect candidate, but here’s a list of some I’m considering:

Mike Huckabee:
Pros: I would get to meet Chuck Norris. Did you know that Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head?
Cons: Would probably talk about Jesus all the time as if he was real.

portrait3.jpgSarah Palin:
Pros: Talk about body! She makes Hillary Clinton look like a tranny. Well, like a tranny even uglier than Hillary Clinton.
Cons: I don’t trust anyone who isn’t old enough to remember when Alaska wasn’t a state.

Condoleeza Rice:
Pros: Would prove that not all women and blacks are Democrats.
Cons: That distracting gap between her teeth makes makes me daydream of my forgotten aspirations to be an NFL placekicker. Also the whole Bush administration baggage thing.

3/14/2008 4:50 PM, Phoenix
2 comments

McCainapolooza Biography Tour '08

By John McCain

Bio & Blog

ap071117014135.jpg
Associated Press

Hello friends. Have you heard about my cross-country tour? We’re calling it a biography tour because I will periodically exit my bus to read chapters from my favorite biographies. (If you are a McCain buff, you know these are my favorite types of books.) The chapter that details Millard Fillmore’s struggles to obtain an education in frontier conditions is especially riveting.

But this tour is designed to increase my exposure to the American people when the Democratic race dominates the headlines. You can bet you bottom dollar, I will do everything I can to expose myself fully.

I’ve been on tours that have gotten out of control before. So some rules:

  1. No groupies under the age of 45. Please parents, control your kids.
3/6/2008 9:37 PM, Anytown USA
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Th strght tlk xprss: I can’t even afford a vowel

By John McCain

Bio & Blog

ap071204044383.jpg
Associated Press

Now that my nomination is all but official, I’m finding time for serious reflection. It’s certainly been a roller coaster of a campaign trail, brimming with excitement, intrigue, and the creeping onset of senility. Put on paper my campaign would read like a Vince Flynn novel: boy runs for president, boy’s campaign goes bankrupt, boy alienates peers, boy works hard to become party’s last viable resort.

At the lowest point, my financial situation precipitated the departure of staffers and the downgrade of my bus. There were times I was so busy fundraising I couldn’t even find the time to call mama McCain, putting me in an unfavorable position with the mothers of presidential hopefuls constituency.

2/28/2008 1:59 PM, Srght tlk xprss
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