Before you haters say this proclamation is as absurd as claiming to have invented the semicolon (which we all know Britney did), let me clarify...

I invented the modern application of the douche bag bro wearing a trucker hat because he thinks he’s being ironic, but really he's actually being more of a douche. Way more of a douche.

When I die, I have given instructions to all remaining Mouseketeers to have that written on my grave stone in trucker hat-esque fake stud diamonds.

But I’ll tell you how this moment of genius happened. I was on a road trip with a friend, and we stopped at a filling station. A rather curious monstrosity caught our eye between the jerky and the plastic sunglasses in the station.

These objects seemed to be related to the subgenus baseballi capus, but had many peculiarities: A flat unwieldy brim, a bulbous puffy top that made no attempt to conform to the contours of the skull, a netted temperature-controlled back. Scrawled across the logo space was rebel flags or ribald southern expressions.

My friend picked up one hat that read "My drinking team has a bowling problem" and for as long as I live, I'll never forget what he said next: "JT, bro, wouldn't it be hilarious if you put this on."

And thus, America’s # 4 largest export was born.