Associated Press

‘Ello. I’m a bit sad today. No one’s talking about my Topshop line anymore — maybe they realized it’s crap and looks like shit on all those fatty size-fours — and my Petey’s been good and staying home strumming his guitar and singing with me and Lila Grace all night instead of getting pissed and cracking his head open and getting in all the tabloids.

Diary, I’m 33 now. I feel so ancient.

And I’m just not ready to let them start putting me in age rewind makeup ads. I’m not Christy Turlington. So I guess I’m kind of cheery that a new birth control pill wants me to be their face. Young birds take birth control. They’re shagging lots of geezers and having lots of fun! Old ladies don’t need birth control. Take that, menapausie Christy!