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Katie Couric’s Blog

This native Virginian anchored the Today Show for 15 years, breaking such stories as "Katie Couric has a Colon" and "Katie Couric has Breasts". Due to groundbreaking reporting such as this, CBS asked Couric to anchor CBS Evening News, a post once held by Walter Cronkite. Unfortunately, its ratings are the lowest since 1987, when everyone was too busy watching Three Men and a Baby to be bothered with televised news.

I'm a journalist, not a "reporter"

By Katie Couric

Now that my ratings are up and my legs are losing their shape, I feel I can talk about journalism.

I am a Journalist, not a “reporter.” “Reporting” requires one to stand up and walk about. To be a Journalist, you need to remain seated, preferably behind a desk. The desk is optional, but the chair is mandatory.

CBS pays me too much money to get out of my chair. If they paid me less money, I’d be free to do “reporter” things, like investigate or provide context. As a Journalist, it is very important for me to remain seated at all times so that the “reporters” can do their jobs, which is to "report" back to me so I don't have to get up.

There are occasions when it is necessary for me to stand, of course. Recently, I got out of my chair to do a “walk and talk” with Sarah Palin. For those of you not in Journalism, a “walk and talk” is where a non-reporter type like myself decides to interview a famous person while walking around a scenic landscape. In the case of Sarah Palin, I decided it’d be cool to walk around in front of the UN Building.

You may ask, “But Katie, if you’re paid so much to sit, why would you want to get up and walk around as you conduct an interview?”

The answer is simple. Doing a “walk and talk” gives the impression of direction. We walk forward as we talk, therefore we both appear to have implied direction. In my “sit and speak” interviews with Palin, there was no implied direction at all--the interview went all over the place. One minute, we were in Russia, one minute we were in her daughter’s womb.... But, during the “walk and talk," our walking gave the impression of linear progression, even though it was just as pointless as our "sit and speak". Plus it provided "viewers" a chance to oogle our gams.

2/3/2009 9:45 AM, NY-Me
2 comments

Interviewing Sarah Palin kills more of my brain cells than straight gin

By Katie Couric

Bio & Blog

All this morning, I’ve been emailed pictures of Palin posing with heads-of-state (perhaps they assumed she was the official U.N. masseuse. Certainly Henry Kissinger appeared to be wondering why she wasn’t giving him a happy ending).

I assumed I needed all my wits about me just to hold a competent conversation with such a headed woman of state.

9/25/2008 10:56 AM, New York
5 comments

I want to make Tom Brokaw cry for me the way he cried for Russert

By Katie Couric

Bio & Blog

All this Tim Russerting has made me realize something: The only way to get people to appreciate my hard work and dedication to journalism is for me to become unexpectedly dead.

So I’d like to officially announce my own death a few minutes ago. I died in the field, reporting on the cultural significance of crack houses, which is a story I’ve been working on for quite a few years now. I died as I lived, with a microphone in one hand and a crack pipe in the other. Maybe there was a syringe sticking out of the calf of one of my trademark sexy legs--details are sketchy right now because this is still a breaking story.

6/18/2008 9:55 AM, New York
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Why does McCain film so many videos with his mom?

By Katie Couric

Bio & Blog

By now I’m sure you’ve had the chance to not watch my latest YouTube video, where-in I go desperately behind the scenes of my conversation with John McCain and his improbably-still-breathing mother Agnes Skinner.

I’m joking of course. She really isn’t still breathing. She absorbs oxygen through her papery skin. And fine, her name isn’t really Agnes. It’s Roberta. But here's the video, so you can ignore it here too:

5/12/2008 9:46 AM, New York
1 comment

I treat my Latino servant-maids well thank you very much

By Katie Couric

Bio & Blog

Recently, on that show I do that you don’t watch because you’d rather be sitting through that ‘Seinfeld’ rerun where Jerry picks his nose, we aired an important story about illegal immigrants (mostly women) who give birth to things (mostly babies) in order to stay in our country.

Hispanic groups are calling me “the female Lou Dobbs,” named after the immigrant-hating blowhard. But they fail to take into account that my alcohol and drug addictions are keeping plenty of illegal Hispanics employed. In fact, I have five Dominican housekeepers (all named “Rosie”), and three Guatemalan nannies (also all named “Rosie”). None of my Hispanic dealers and employees have ever said one bad thing about me, and have even given me a cute nickname: Culera, which I’m told means “Blessing hole” in Spanish.

I’m so sensitive to my employees' heritage that I won’t even allow them to mop the floors with Spic-and-Span.

5/1/2008 9:55 AM, Nuevo Yorko
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Oh, Larry! You'll bury us all, you old bastard!

By Katie Couric

Bio & Blog

 

Let's get the bullshit out of the way: No, I'm not replacing Larry King on CNN.

I'm staying put at CBS, sitting behind a desk that hides my legs, reading depressing news items that no one wants to hear, squandering my natural celeb-interviewing talents. Is it any wonder that the only high points of my day are when I'm high? If I didn't have alcohol and drugs to keep me going through all this talk of "Katie Disaster" and "Katie's pushed out at CBS," then all I'd have is my record salary, my kids, my hot younger boyfriend and my frequent colonoscopy exams.

4/24/2008 10:26 AM, New York
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Let me moderate, I need a gig

By Katie Couric

Bio & Blog

Some of you might remember... no, that's not right. None of you probably remember that I was to host a Presidential debate back in December, but my writing staff decided to screw me over and threaten to strike. The Democratic candidates, being the dull, unadventurous, spineless creatures that they are, cancelled my debate because they were too chickenshit to cross a picket line that didn't even fucking exist.

My friend Hillary, however, has held on to her delusional bid for the White House in the hope of giving me a shot at the big time. She's agreed to attend an April 27th debate between her and Barack Obama, moderated by your's truly and that asshole Bob Shafter.

Bob Schieffer. Whatever. That old guy I've got to pay constant tribute to.

Anyway, Hillary's agreed to the debate, but Barack Obama? No. He refuses. He says, "I am always open to debates but ...it's not clear that the April 27 debate will work for our schedule."

Fine, Barack. Fine, you dick. I'll just have the stupid debate anyway. I'll just see what Morgan Freeman is doing on April 27th, and invite him to play you in the debate.

4/17/2008 4:32 PM, A lonely room in America
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It's hard to be perky at the unemployment office

By Katie Couric

Bio & Blog

I'm coming down from a three-week ketamine bender. You'll have to forgive me if I seem out of sorts.

"Sorts" isn't the only thing I'm out of. I'm also out of a job.

Goddammit! And I was trying really hard, you guys! But you--you!--you never watched me, you never even tried to feign interest. You just wanted to see me fail. I'm the Hillary Clinton of broadcast journalism.

4/15/2008 8:07 AM, Who fucking cares?
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Hillary Clinton Explains it All

By Katie Couric

Bio & Blog

I’m between cocktails. So I have time between drinks to say that Hil’s final words tonight were wonderful.

You know, whatever happens, we’re going to be fine. You know, we have strong support from our families and our friends. I just hope that we’ll be able to say the same thing about the American people. And that’s what this election should be about.

You know, Hillary, whether you win or lose, I’ll be fine. I don’t need you to remind me that I have a family. I’m sure a lot of Americans have a family.

And the American people are usually fine, no matter what horrors our government throws at us. Thanks for your concern, though.

baby-prison-small.jpg

2/22/2008 8:13 AM, New York
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Trapped in the newsroom

By Katie Couric

Bio & Blog

There’s an unauthorized online video that reveals the dark side of my perky personality.

And the unauthorized video–which I don’t want you to see–was leaked during the exact wrong week to leak an unauthorized video.

Because of all the online videos about Tom Cruise and Scientology, my video is easy to miss, and… oh, hell with it. You know what, I’m begging you to watch my video. Forget about Tom for a sec, and watch as I curse and yell and…

God dammit.

Talk about a SP! Tom is suppressing my rightful place as the internet scandal of the week, and ruining ratings for that show I do every fucking night. What the fuck do I have to do before I’m an internet scandal? Will you take me seriously as a journalist if I leak my next video to RedTube?

1/18/2008 3:58 PM, New York
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