Jorge, my assistant, just came into my office wearing the cutest pair of tighty whities from some Soho store called Uniqlo. I fired him on the spot because people who want to get ahead in the world don’t fucking shop at stores that refuse to use a “u” after the letter “q.”

So I’m depressed, and almost out of Maker’s Mark. Unless I want to raid Schieffer’s tiny office, I’m gonna have to convince Lop Sing, the janitor, to make a booze run for me. And I don’t want to go home right now because Brooks is on another shirtless binge, and I just can’t deal with that right now.

Plus, Dan Rather. Rather fucking not. What an asshole. He slams me in the media, calls me a tart — and I’m too old to be a tart! My makeup is subtle and my necklines are too high. I’m no fucking tart, Dan. If anything, I’m a motherfucking torte.

Lop Sing just came in. Turns out he has a flask of Stoli on him, so I wrestled him to the ground. Thanks to Giuliani, I know just how useful a plunger handle can be! Ha ha!

So I’m a torte, not a tart. I’m a goddamn multi-layered cake of depth and sweetness, Dan, you fucking nut-case. You ineffectual interviewer. You flubberer of lines. You goddamn teapot. God, I wish I’d replaced Peter Jennings instead — at least he’s dead now; I have you and Cronkite sniffing up my panties. How the hell is Cronkite still alive?

Lop Sing has regained consciousness, by the way. He keeps screaming at me about splinters.

Dan, I am no fucking Jessica Savitch, from back in the day when women were amusing novelty items in network news. I’m your worst nightmare, and proudly so. Get over it, and stick to that fucking HD thing you call a network, and stay off real news shows so the sane kids can continue to decide what is newsworthy.

Fucking hack. How the hell did you not know how deceitful Karl Rove could be? You shoulda seen that fucking memo-gate thing coming a mile a fucking way, like a … like a lame gnat sitting on the train tracks beside a frog that don’t got no wings.

God damn!!11 Ugh. I can’t type. Fucking Stoli.

Good night, and good drunk.