Mascot interpretations of the People’s Leader (AP)

As the premier athlete of my nation, some people ask me, “KJ, how do you keep yourself in such excellent shape, how do you train?” To which I respond: “these are excellent questions,” because they are. If you’ll remember, I spoke on this topic six or so months ago. But with the 2008 Summer Olympics fast approaching it’s definitely worth revisiting.

Readers, I’ve been derelict in my coverage of the Golden Globes ever since my epic predictions from earlier this year. You see, I’ve been extra busy lately what with jerking America around about my nuclear weapons and continuing to torture and publicly execute my own citizens despite international pressure on both fronts.

My sincerest apologies for the delay. The ceremony which I enjoy so much every year was, due to the writer’s strike, nothing more than a glorified press conference this year, simulcast on all the major networks with plenty of Billy Bush eye candy to oogle (he’s hunky in that “John Travolta-Conan O’Brien lovechild” kinda way).

Via NBC.com

Yes, I’ve been less than forthcoming with my nuclear plans, but for good reason. This fucking writer’s strike. I’m bored out of my mind. And I’m angry. I mean, hello, I haven’t seen a new episode of House in months. And now I’m looking at a shortened season of Lost? I won’t accept that, I’m sorry. I am going to bomb the shit out of the AMPTP.

I’m not a union guy, far from it. For all I care the WGA could rot in a desolate prison camp for the rest of their natural lives. But this is getting ridiculous. There is NO good TV on. I mean, did anybody else try watching the new American Gladiators? It’s terrible. The “gladiators” look like the inbred mongoloids I fight for sport during national holidays — only more inbred and more monogoloidian. Trust me, those guys would NOT make for good television.

One of the problems I see with the internet, aside from the spreading of ideas, is that it has singlehandedly led to the downfall of the “pen pal”. With instant chats and emails, the charm and romance has been violently stripped from communication, like the tearing off of clothes and subsequent dousing in lye of a obstinate dissident.

Which is why I am delighted to inform you, my dear readers, that George Bush and I have taken to being pen pals!! What do we talk about? Oh, this and that:

(from December 5, 2007 letter from George to myself)

Dear Kim,

How are you? I am fine. I am having so much fun in America, it’s defficult to believe! Yesterday I had ice cream after dinner even though its winter. Being Presidint is really fun sometimes!! Also, Christmas is coming and I hope Congress gets me Guitar Hero III for Nintendo Wii. They’re so incompitint though. They’ll probably buy the Xbox 360 version by mistake, especielly because the Best Buy in Foggy Bottom is sold out of the Wii version. I don’t even have an Xbox 360! Sometimes I wish I was an only leader, like you. Ok, I have to go, now.

From,
George

P.S. How is the prolifiration work going?
P.P.S. I was going to write about “Top Model” but I don’t know if you get it in Korea.

There are few things I enjoy more than awards season in the film industry (P.F. Chang’s, rose petal baths, murder) and it’s finally arrived! (Check out the complete list of nominations here.)

Now, I could tell you that I fancy myself a bit of a film buff, but that would be an understatement. I’m a film guru. I’m like the Ken Jennings of film. Except I’m not Mormon. As a service to you, my dear readers, here’s a breakdown of the nominations for the more relevant categories:

Best Motion Picture - Drama

Out of the seven nominated films, four (”American Gangster”, “Eastern Promises”, “No Country for Old Men”, “There Will Be Blood”) feature violence or death prominently which makes predicting this category very, very difficult. A fifth (”Atonement”) does have a war scene, but I heard it’s based on a book and that just rubs me the wrong way. Write this down, people, because it’s gospel from the film messiah: “There Will Be Blood” takes the prize if only because the title explicitly promises blood which is enough to get my juices flowing.

Best Director

Directors are overrated. They are the United Nations of the film industry.

Listen, George, I know you’re going through a lot right now: the Iran thing, falling poll numbers, Britney being pregnant then not being pregnant then drunk-dialing KFed on her birthday. You can’t help but be stressed out with all of that going on. Which is why I am willing to overlook you persistently nagging me about my nuclear programs.

I already told you: I’ll take care of it. When KJ says he’ll take care of it, he’s serious. He means he’ll take whatever “it” is, cut it’s hands, feet, and head off, burn it’s body with chemicals, and dump it in the Taedong River. So chill out.

Over the past seven years or so, dear readers, I’ve said many negative things about George Bush. I’ve called him everything from “chimp-faced, half-retarded, loser-boy” to “asshole” (my personal favorite). These criticisms of his policy decision notwithstanding, I will say the man does know how to finagle a budget, as evidenced by his sneaking in 106 million dollar bill to
North Korea for fuel hidden in a $3 billion proposed funding package for the purpose of fighting the “Global War on Terror”.

I mean, that’s just brilliant. Had I a some sort of Congress to approve my spending, I’d do exactly the same thing:

Dear Congress of the Kim Jong-il Republic of Korea:

I ask this fine Congress to approve the following FY 2008 budget that will provide additional and very necessary resources for the KJRK. An allocation of $6 million dollars to purchase 200,000 copies of the recently released Transformers DVD to play on loop in all official and municipal buildings in Korea, as well as on three high-definition television sets in every room of every building I am ever or will ever be in. This list is not to exclude (A) bathrooms, public or private, (B) storage closets in which I like to nap, (C) interrogation rooms/torture chambers/dungeons/nurseries, (D) the Denny’s I like to go to at 4AM every Saturday night with my bros.