Associated Press

It is unbecoming of a person in my position to be cavalier about his appearance. It can take a whole army to get the people’s leader to change his mind on an issue. (And when that topic is my pristine form, well you can imagine only divine intervention itself would have any sway.) The heavenly father’s majestic plan was for me to watch up every movie and TV show until I finally got around to Kirstie Alley’s Fat Actress. The horrors that I witnessed caused me to turn the mirror on my own paunch.

After two years of hard work, someone finally noticed. And I won’t lie, it felt good. Below I am very happy to share with you, my loyal readers, some of my secrets to becoming the svelte man you see making empty non-proliferation promises before you today:

Wheelchair rugby: Intrigued by the title of the film, I netflixed Murderball. Yes, I was disappointed at the relative lack of murder, but the sport piqued my interest. Three days a week I organized matches at the Pyongyang YMCA, only with a few minor rule changes:

1. Being the only non-handicapped participant, I was allowed to leave my chair whenever I desired.
2. Stairs were added as a prominent feature on the court.
3. I was given a metal billy club with which to strike my opponents in the face at my whim.

All in all, a fantastic work out!

Watching others run on treadmills: Nothing gets the heart racing as much as watching a Korean official run on a treadmill while you threaten to kill his family if he drops below a certain pace. Much like the movie Speed, or perhaps more accurately, Speed 2: Cruise Control.

Switching to Diet Coke: I know, I know. Everyone who has ever lost any weight always says that the first thing they did was switch to diet soda. Well, fuck them. I did it first.

Not embracing Jared Fogle’s ridiculous Subway diet: So your fat ass walks half a mile for a six-inch sandwich that has more chemicals in it than a Yongbyon reactor? Just tell the truth about that fortuitous tapeworm infection you got from swallowing a raw pig’s head whole.

My superhuman ability to control my metabolism with my mind: Most people, myself and Joe Piscopo excluded, do not have this ability which makes this less of a fitness tip and more of a reminder that I, by virtue of being me, entered this two-year fitness odyssey with a leg up over the rest of humanity.

If these tips can even help one slightly overweight person shed a few pounds, I will have done my job.