There are few things I enjoy more than awards season in the film industry (P.F. Chang’s, rose petal baths, murder) and it’s finally arrived! (Check out the complete list of nominations here.)

Now, I could tell you that I fancy myself a bit of a film buff, but that would be an understatement. I’m a film guru. I’m like the Ken Jennings of film. Except I’m not Mormon. As a service to you, my dear readers, here’s a breakdown of the nominations for the more relevant categories:

Best Motion Picture - Drama

Out of the seven nominated films, four (”American Gangster”, “Eastern Promises”, “No Country for Old Men”, “There Will Be Blood”) feature violence or death prominently which makes predicting this category very, very difficult. A fifth (”Atonement”) does have a war scene, but I heard it’s based on a book and that just rubs me the wrong way. Write this down, people, because it’s gospel from the film messiah: “There Will Be Blood” takes the prize if only because the title explicitly promises blood which is enough to get my juices flowing.

Best Director

Directors are overrated. They are the United Nations of the film industry.

Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama

I’m not too keen on female actors so I’m going to judge them on how attractive they are. Angelina Jolie (”A Mighty Heart”) gets my vote because “Tomb Raider” was a fucking awesome movie. By the way, who the hell is Julie Christie?

Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama

This is the toughest category to predict. On one hand, Daniel Day-Lewis (”There Will Be Blood”) not only murders several people but pretty much takes advantage of, and destroys, a small California town. Admirable, indeed. Meanwhile Viggo Mortenson (”Eastern Promises”) has an exhilarating naked fight scene where he brutally murders two dudes and leaves me wanting more. DDL by a whisker.

Best Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy

“Sweeney Todd”. I haven’t yet seen it, but it’s the only movie here with even the prospect of violence, although I’ve heard good things about “Juno” and Michael Cera is a guilty pleasure of mine, what with his sensitive nature and feminine lips.

Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy

Marion Cotillard (”La Vie En Rose”) because she has a heroin problem for about half the movie and substance abuse is something I appreciate in a film.

Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy

I’m sensing an upset: write-in vote for Shia LeBeouf (”Transformers”).

Supporting Actress

Again, not too keen on female actors. Tilda Swinton (”Michael Clayton”), because I saw her boobs in “Adaptation”.

Supporting Actor

Javier Bardem (”No Country for Old Men”) in probably the most obvious category. He plays a killer, what’s not to like?

Best Foreign Language Film

Kim Jong Il’s “The Terror”. Sure we filmed it in English, but does it really matter?