I have reached the following conclusion about this trade business: I am so good that any trade to bring equal talent to the Lakers would devastate the team I go to so badly I would have to score 81 every night to make it to the playoffs. Now, I can do that, but it’s pretty tiring, and I got kids to play with, and a wife to avoid. So for now, I’m going to stop asking for a trade … if the following demands are met by 5 o’clock tomorrow:

• The Staples Center shall be re-named The Kobe Bryant Center for Basketball Excellence in the Face of Rank Incompetence. I will allow it to be called “The Koba Cabana” for short.
• Re-unite the ’64-’65 Boston Celtics and trade me to them. Sure, Bill Russell might be 74-years-old, and Bevo Nordmann has titanium knees, but a 74-year-old Bill Russell is still more baller than a 24-year-old Luke Walton. And Bevo Nordmann’s name is Bevo Nordmann! You can’t tell me that dude ain’t street.

Associated Press

Associated Press

Things are getting a little crazy for me right now. I hate to disappoint all my fans in LA, but I want out. Like now! And once I get out, I want a clean slate. I think I know where to start.

I need a nickname, man! Michael was His Airness, LeBron is King James, Magic was Erving (that one I don’t understand) and Shaq is Big Daddy Smurf or some stupid shit like that. I mean, Phil Jackson calls me Selfish, but I think that was an inside joke or something I missed out on. Here’s what I’ve been thinking about depending on where I go:

Houston:

The way I see it, if I’m dishing the rock to Yao night after night, there’s like a billion people in China who are going to want Kobe gear. Think of the brand-expansion possibilities! Think of the size of the apology diamond one could buy his wife with that kind of revenue after a lengthy and erotic marketing tour around China! And since I’m a highly cultured guy as you all know (I used to live in Europe!), I was thinking something that would resonate with all the NBA fans in China: Cashew Kobe.

Miami:

Beef. As in Kobe Beef. You know, that stuff they eat in Japan that I know about ‘cuz I’m cultured? But also as in that’s what I have with that trick ass bitch Shaquille O’Neal.

Associated Press

What’s up y’all. It’s Kobe coming at you from Lakerland. For now. Hopefully not too much longer.

Coach Jackson’s been questioning my heart, but I’m not playing lazy. I’m strategizing for the future.

For instance, during the preseason we lost two games to the Warriors. Now, we could have won those games if I had played hard, but I didn’t, and I’ll tell you why. Early on in the game I was backing down Baron Davis, and I was thinking like, “What if I get traded to the Warriors?” I could have broken Baron’s ankles with a crossover move, but I just passed the ball and told Baron he had nice shoes ‘cuz we got to build rapport if we’re going to be playing together, ya dig?