Associated Press

Hey guys! My 14-year-old sister Ali says I’m her role model and people are freaking out. I’m a great model for roles, didn’t you all see the Monroe shoot? Anyway I thought I’d give my sis some advice to follow in my footsteps:

1. Don’t give blow j’s away for free.

Acceptable reasons – for a part, because you haven’t appeared in a tabloid in 3 weeks, because the guy said he thinks Hillary Duff could do it better.

2. Its Disney then porn shoots and not the other way around.

For some reasons the inverse just doesn’t hold true.

3. Scarlett Johansson is a goddamn whore.

4. You are a Lohan and that means something.

Boobies. Boobies. Boobies. That’s all anyone wants to talk about. There was more to that photoshoot people. Like my crack. And how resurrecting the image of the quintessential media-birthed starlet, whose creation and destruction were fawned by public obsession, draws attention to that problem which is now accelerated in Hollywood due to the 5-hour news cycle, the deterioration of high culture and the housing crisis. I mean duh.

But I’d like to take this opportunity to respond to some of the many comments I’ve received from people. I could take a representative sample from all over the web, but instead I’ve chosen commenters on TMZ only.

Is this picture for the women or for the gays?
Posted at 10:15AM on Feb 18th 2008 by Tim

It’s for gay women. Did I just blow your cock?

She is so ugly! Fire Crotch!!!!!!!
Posted at 10:21AM on Feb 18th 2008 by bahaha

What! My crotch is on fire? Holy shit. Oh my God, let me check … OK, that was not funny. My crotch was not on fire. Whoever wrote this is the same person who screams about fires in a movie theaters to incite riots.

Associated Press

Hey guys, long time no blog, I know. This year been a little rough for me to say the least. I’ve decided to make a few changes in my life, so I’m gonna start with my catchphrase. As you may remember from previous blogs it was “whatevs,” but, you know, that just didn’t catch on the way I wanted it to, and I’m starting to think that I said a bit too much.

Associated Press

The 12th Annual Train Wreck Awards® were held at the Viper Room last Saturday, and I won Train Wreck of the Year! Here is the speech I gave:

Wow, I can’t believe I won! I’m sorry if I’m a little emotional here, it’s just that I really thought Britney had this one locked up. I also thought they might give it to the long shot Tom Sizemore, who according to his stats, might be the most deserving.

I guess I won this because my situation is really the saddest out of all the nominees. I’m the youngest, and I’m the only one in this category with any actual talent to throw away. Britney and Sizemore’s careers have been over for a while, and Paris’ whole job is to be a screw up.

I can’t take all the credit, though. Oh no, I want to thank Vincent and Marco, my two main drug dealers, as well as all of the hangers on who supported my addictions this year. I’d like to thank past winners like Whitney Houston and Tara Reid for being constant inspirations. I’d like to give a shout out to my biggest influence, Courtney Love who is really the Meryl Streep of this award.

Photo via Bettyfordcenter.org

OK, I think I may have gotten myself in a pickle here. It looks like I’ll be spending a lot of time in court pretty soon so I’m gonna need some kind of defense for my recent actions.

In case the judge dismisses my statement of innocence as incoherent and drug-induced, here are a couple of creative excuses:

Excuse #1:

I’m addicted to rehab. I have an obsession with twelve step programs. That Promises place was just like a gateway rehab center. I’m now ready to move on to more hardcore centers like Betty Ford. If you want to help me, then don’t send me back to rehab. I’m a mess! I’m feemin’ for a meeting. I’ll suck your dick for a trust fall!

Associated Press

Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty; I’m free at last! That’s a quote from somebody. I’m pretty sure it was Martin Lawrence, but whoever said it, I can TOTALLY relate! I’m finally out of rehab, and I’m ready to PARTY … drug free of course.

You know, I’ve heard there are a lot of haters out there who have zero faith in my ability to stay sober. I’ll bet anyone that I can stay sober for three months. Who wants to bet me? That’s right, I didn’t think so. What, did you just say to me? That I’m wearing an ankle bracelet that detects alcohol in my bloodstream, so that really wouldn’t be much of a bet?

Well you’re wrong, cus this isn’t an alcohol detecting bracelet! This is a fashionable anklet that I’m wearing for charity. That’s right, just like those yellow Lance Armstrong thingies that everyone used to wear. But this one goes on your ankle, and it’s for um … Darfur. Yeah we should all get behind Darfur because it needs for us to be there for … it.

Photo by spcoon via Flickr.

I’m soooo totally sick of hearing about this iPhone! I know it does a lot, but I’m not impressed because I already have something that can perform all of those functions, and more. It’s called my assistant, Sherrie. She totally responds to voice commands like, get Chad Michael Murphy on the phone NOW! If I want to listen to music I just say Sherrie, Gnarles Barkley NOW! If I need directions, she gets them in a snap. I mean, I literally snap my fingers, and she gets me directions if she wants to eat this week.

I heard that

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I’m totally an inspiration to young addicts. I’ve been in rehab for like a few weeks, and I’ve already completed my 12 steps. Yeah, yeah, they said rehab is an ongoing process, and you’re never really done with it, but you know what? I think that’s like living in the past. It’s best to pretend these things never happened. Like my relationship with Wilmer Valderrama. When my friends say his name around me I go, “Who? I totally don’t know who you’re talking about.”

This place, Promises, isn’t all that bad. It kind of reminds me of seventh grade sleep-away camp, minus the drugs. But ya know, the thing I don’t like about this place, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, is that it’s too, like, nice?! Personal masseuses, jacuzzi, private beach, etc. Everywhere I go I just keep thinking, this would be the most amazing vacation resort if you could just drink here. Oh well, whatevs. By the way, whatevs is my new awesome catchphrase. Like it?

So they’re making me write in this rehab journal, but I thought why not make it into a profitable blog? There are these 12 steps I’m supposed to go through, but I think 12 is a little much don’t you? I mean Noah didn’t even have 12 commandments, right? Listed below are the steps. Let’s see if I can’t go through these, and get rid of some of the less important ones.