This place, Promises, isn’t all that bad. It kind of reminds me of seventh grade sleep-away camp, minus the drugs. But ya know, the thing I don’t like about this place, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, is that it’s too, like, nice?! Personal masseuses, jacuzzi, private beach, etc. Everywhere I go I just keep thinking, this would be the most amazing vacation resort if you could just drink here. Oh well, whatevs. By the way, whatevs is my new awesome catchphrase. Like it?

So they’re making me write in this rehab journal, but I thought why not make it into a profitable blog? There are these 12 steps I’m supposed to go through, but I think 12 is a little much don’t you? I mean Noah didn’t even have 12 commandments, right? Listed below are the steps. Let’s see if I can’t go through these, and get rid of some of the less important ones.

• We admitted we were powerless over our addiction—that our lives had become unmanageable.

They might have a point here. As soon as I get out of here I’m getting a new manager.

• We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

I’m already doing this one. Like when I drive with no hands, I’m totally putting my trust in God. Or when I’m at a club and I just swallow whatever pill someone hands me. That requires a lot of trust in God, yo.

• We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I totally don’t understand this one.

• We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

I was wrong, OK! I hit a tree! I’ll admit I’m not the best drunk driver, but that’s something I’m working on.

• W made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Well, the list is gonna take some time, but off the top of my head I would like to publicly apologize to Sky Vodka who was gonna sponsor my 21st birthday party, but can’t now cuz I’m here. Sorry about the party, Sky Vodka, but I promise to continue to endorse, and use, your product as soon as I get out of rehab.

• We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Um, am I drunk or is this the same as the last one? Well I’m definitely not drunk, I’m in rehab. God, I need a jello shot.

• We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
• We humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
• We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

I’m sorry I stopped paying attention.

• We’re entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

The other day Nicole Ritchie was like, “Did you ever notice that God spelled backwards is dog?” We were like WHOA! Then she knelt down and started saying Hail Mary’s to her chihuahua. I laughed so hard, tequila shot out of my nose. She should totally be a comedian.

• We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Well, let’s see, what did I do wrong today? Um, oh yeah, Kristen Jacobs, if you’re out there reading this, I let your husband Bob, who is here for meth addiction, fingerbang me in a broom closet. Sorry, Kristen, that was pretty lame of me, but damn it gets boring here.

• Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I know this is important, because I’m a role model to young women addicts. So, to all my young female fans out there, I have to say, don’t get caught and end up in rehab. They’ll take away your cell and block you from MySpace. Although it might force your parents to finally show you the love and attention that you’ve always craved.

Gotta run, it’s time for group. We’re doing trust falls or meditation or some stupid crap today. WHATEVS! Before I go, I’d like to leave you with a poem.

Totally a Haiku About Those Pictures of Me
By Lindsay Lohan

Ran into a tree,
Then continued to party.
I was just yawning!