Associated Press

The 12th Annual Train Wreck Awards® were held at the Viper Room last Saturday, and I won Train Wreck of the Year! Here is the speech I gave:

Wow, I can’t believe I won! I’m sorry if I’m a little emotional here, it’s just that I really thought Britney had this one locked up. I also thought they might give it to the long shot Tom Sizemore, who according to his stats, might be the most deserving.

I guess I won this because my situation is really the saddest out of all the nominees. I’m the youngest, and I’m the only one in this category with any actual talent to throw away. Britney and Sizemore’s careers have been over for a while, and Paris’ whole job is to be a screw up.

I can’t take all the credit, though. Oh no, I want to thank Vincent and Marco, my two main drug dealers, as well as all of the hangers on who supported my addictions this year. I’d like to thank past winners like Whitney Houston and Tara Reid for being constant inspirations. I’d like to give a shout out to my biggest influence, Courtney Love who is really the Meryl Streep of this award.

And finally I’d like to thank Michael and Dina Lohan for being the shittiest parents they could possibly be. Mom, you have been my rock this year. What other Mom would take her underage daughter to clubs and buy her drinks, even when she knows her daughter has a drug problem? And Dad, you have led by example for as long as I can remember. Your constant leeching off of me is what drove me drugs in the first place, so thanks Dad. I share this award with you, just like every dime I’ve made since I was twelve.

Wow, I’m so psyched that I won this, I’m shaking up here. Although that could just be that I haven’t had a drink in six minutes. I tell ya, I might be heading to jail, but damned if this win doesn’t make it feel worth it! I’m not sure how I’m going to celebrate tonight. Most of the time when people win an Oscar they scream, “Let’s party,” and go get trashed, but that’s just what I do on Tuesday. Maybe I should celebrate this win by going home, reading a book, and going to bed early. Nah, fuck that shit! LET’S PARTY!