Russia, Russia, Russia!

What is so great about Russia? I want to know! They step their feet inside Georgia, and suddenly this is all anyone cares about? Perhaps I need to remind everyone that it used to be me that the world would flatter with their comparisons to Adolf Hitler; now it is Putin? WTF? I thought we had something special, but now this all just feels… cheap.

The current events these days! The world is going straight to hell, am I correct?

All of the kiddings aside, I have been watching the news, and it almost makes a man wonder if this is the kind of world he wants to raise his nuclear weapons in. The Western world powers, they recently sent me another plea to halt my nuclear program in exchange for thoughtless incentives, as they habitually do.

Normally, I would be delighted for another opportunity to send my mixing of messages -- alternating between ostensible cooperation and world-threatening belligerence is my middle name (more kiddings - my middle name is Tim).

We had a big conference in Tehran called NAM (Nonaligned Movement). I swear any coincidences with our conference sharing the name of a certain military failure of a certain imperialistic nation is purely just that -- a coincidence.

All the major international players were at this conference: Cuba, Jamaica, Madagascar, that island with the cannibals... New Guinea or was it New Zealand ... I can't ever remember which one is cannibals and which one is the pretty island by Australia.

The real headline grabber of the event was my statement: "The big powers are going down."

Oh don't get so sensitive on me, people! It was just some good-natured ribbing, like on the street ball courts.

America: Your ass is grass and Iran is the lawn mower.

Great Britain: Iran slept with your mom. Multiple times!

France: You are a nation of the gays!

Israel: You shall burn in a great conflagration!

Photo shop? I take great offense to the suggestion that we used a photo shop with the pictures from our missile launch. We the people of Iran are not living in the early 90s. We do not take our pictures into a camera shop then wait three long days to see if that candid shot of Billy spitting up milk through his nose comes out well. We can do everything on our home PCs too -- just like you Westerners.

But with great technology comes great responsibility. And we have a little edict in our country that translates loosely in English to: "He who digitally alters photos, shall be stoned in his face and neck areas until the black curtain of death swallows him."

With that pledge to photographic integrity covered, I'd like to share some other pictures in my album. (I'm going to upload them on Flickr right after writing this post!)

Here's one of a place I like to call nuclear reactor row. (Yes, we have them.)

I'm not sure what all these kids are doing kayaking in the nuclear reactor river. Or all these long poll fly-fisherman. And I guess this area must be some sort of breeding ground for falcons. But if we really doctored this picture and just added more reactors, riddle me this, how come the kids by the third reactor are paddling in another direction -- one that appears to be a perfect 180 degree horizontal inverse?

I would like to clear up another point as well. Though we have over one katrillion reactors and a gazillion missiles, we do not intend to bomb Israel. In fact, I am a friend of the Jews. I attend their Bar Mitzvahs and weddings all the time:

You like what I did with this title of the post? Iran's Foreign Minister just came back from Beijing with a bootleg copy of Step Up  2: The Streets and I've been trying to get a handle on the slang.  You see the girl, Andie, is from "the streets" and she wants to dance in a real studio academy but she has to go back to "the streets" in the end because her dancer boyfriend got beat up or something.  Basically what I am saying is that Hillary Clinton acted like this Andie when she said:

I want the Iranians to know that if I'm the president, we will attack Iran... in the next 10 years, during which they might foolishly consider launching an attack on Israel, we would be able to totally obliterate them.

So yesterday I watched the debate between Mr. Obama and Mr. Mrs. Clinton. This was the first I have seen of these- normally our satellite dish does not pick up American channels. But I really wanted to see what the big deal is about with these two, so I had my fourth oldest daughter, Fatima, stand on the roof with a tin foil hat like that one time on the American television show Alf when Alf wore a tin foil hat. What a funny show that was! Anyway, Fatima wanted to watch American Idol, but I told her to keep quiet or I would have her married to a Pashtun.  Besides, Iranian Idol is much better.

What did I learn from this debate? Overall it was a boring affair. Firstly, the sexual tension between the two is greatly overexaggerated. Mr. Obama, I like. He's a handsome fellow. But that Mrs. Clinton... frankly, her jowls scare me. It's like someone took an old milking goat and stretched it's neck skin. Secondly, the Americans call this a debate? All they did was say things back and forth. Not a SINGLE honor killing.

I try very hard to make sure I'm consistent with my metaphors concerning the west and my nuclear programs. There's a cultural divide there that can be tough to bridge sometimes. I think to myself, Mahmoud, what sort of things will they follow? Yesterday, I settled on petty violence metaphors. I said to them:

" The Iranian nation will bloody the enemy's (the West's) nose if they want to violate an iota of our rights (to nuclear technology)"

And I thought that was believable; the West is very familiar with petty violence. And a bloody nose makes sense, you know? Like you take a jab or two at the West's fat, ugly face and all of a sudden they have blood coming from their nostrils. It hurts a little sure. But it's also extremely embarrassing to be seen in public with it (much more degrading than a black eye and not quite as serious as knocking out a tooth or two). It's like, "oh, man, now I have to hold a tissue over my nose like a sissy idiot because I'm from the West." So I think they got the message, no?