This trip to New York has turned out to be unpleasant.
I’m typing this while sitting on the floor of my Times Square hotel suite. Every few minutes, I’ve been peeking out over the window sill to see if the mob of misguidedly angry Columbia students outside is starting to thin.
I have no choice: Madame Tussaud’s will have to wait till next time.
What a bust. First, when my preposterously peaceful and generous offer to lay a wreath at ground zero was rejected, I was disappointed.
But when Columbia University President Lee Bollinger insulted and berated me before I gave my thoughtful and peaceful speech at his university, I was truly surprised.
Mr Bollinger: You are a petty and cruel university administrator. And I’m not just saying that because you love Jews and gay people and blasphemous American pop music.
Listen, Mr Bollinger and Columbia University students: I’m the good guy, here. All I’m saying is that it’s possible that the Jews were not killed during World War II, and that instead they went into hiding and returned to attack your country on 9/11. After that, they caused Katrina. And then the packaged spinach e-coli thing. It’s a theory. It’s worth investigating.
And to the rest of the Columbia University students: What was with the uncomfortable silence after my joke about nuclear weapon-seeking leaders being retards? Was there a translation issue? That joke kills in Iran! Then again, in Iran, there does not exist the phenomenon of retards. In America, I hear that you have one as your leader! Hahahahaha!!! (In Iran, there would be immense laughter.)
I want to go home.