How was your weekend?  Mine was okay.  On Saturday, however, I did something incredible.  I dig out 500th booger!

It wasn't easy. Usually I have to wait til 9th inning, when the field is nice and dusty.  It helps if I have a cold.  I had been in booger slump for several weeks, so I was starting to get depressed.  Then on Thursday I got the sniffles.  I said to myself, "this weekend you will make history."

I knew this boogie was special. 500 boogs take a long time to find.  You need excellent technique. Getting a good boog requires not just perseverence, but patience!  Dig too hard, too early, and you have bloody nose!

But Manny's not done yet...I also plan to pursue A-Rod's ball-scratch record with a vengeance! 

I have been called out on the editorial pages of the world-famous esteemed newspaper Sun of Toronto. If you did not catch American sarcasm in the preceding sentence, then you must be Devil Rays fan. According to "Sun Readers", me and my teammates wear too much hair, beard and pants. Other people online say that my helmet is too muddy. I say to Torontonians and Mr. Yahoo Answers nerd, you can blow me, taking turns, with no teeth.

To make matters worser, I don't even know what a muddy helmet is! So I went onto search engines (with V8 and 350 horsepower!  Ha!) and do search for "mud on helmet."

Mr. Readers and Mr. Yahoo Answers?  You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Great news! I have been bestowed with a monumental honor. Bon Appetit, a restaurant in Rochester NY,  has offered Manny Ramirez the position of manager.

It is time for new career change! Do not be mistaken, my friend. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with me batting .250, hitting 1 HR, and swinging wildly at the plate like madman whose hair-scrunchy was stolen by David Ortiz. That mudder-fucker.

No, Bon Appetit has made the correct choice. My culinary expertise, like my fashion sense, has finally been recognized! I am going to start by revealing -- to groperofnews.com only -- my secret weapon for what made me excellent choice by Bon Appetit:

So I am on my way to battery box with a great wish to make ball go far into outfields.  Then, suddenly? Que? Is no way!!  A little boy eating something out of helmet!  It could be someone's head, no?

You know that I am in Japan.  Japan is like, almost a whole other country from Boston.  Kids here use tree branches to eat fish heads and do dance-dance revolution like they are on the anabolic hemmorrhoids.  So, you know.  They eat heads, I don't panic.  I just nod and walk to smaller-than-usual toilet to play with the electric dryer.

But then in the helmet, is no head!  Is ice cream! So when I see Japan boy do what America boy do, eating ice cream......I Scream!

People think I scream for extra-inning doubles to win game. But no! I scream for ice cream!