Great news! I have been bestowed with a monumental honor. Bon Appetit, a restaurant in Rochester NY,  has offered Manny Ramirez the position of manager.

It is time for new career change! Do not be mistaken, my friend. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with me batting .250, hitting 1 HR, and swinging wildly at the plate like madman whose hair-scrunchy was stolen by David Ortiz. That mudder-fucker.

No, Bon Appetit has made the correct choice. My culinary expertise, like my fashion sense, has finally been recognized! I am going to start by revealing -- to groperofnews.com only -- my secret weapon for what made me excellent choice by Bon Appetit:

Voila! Stainless-steel barbecues do not come cheap. But with $20,000,000 this year, I have found a way to make budget for just such a purchase. On this barbecue I plan to cook many animals, and make St. Charles Fisher college kids water in their mouths.

I am man of renaissance in many ways. I provide fashion sense to the people, and now I plan to cook unattractive mammals for consumption of college kids. Soon enough, Boston Red Sox will grant my request to work from home, and Bon Appetit will become full-time gig!