Can someone tell me what the number for 1-800-Dentist is? I can’t move my neck to look down at the dial. I hate it when agencies try to be all fancy by creating either acronyms or words that correspond with an arbitrary number. It’s easier just to dial in the number.

I need a new orthodontist. The one I had resigned — mid-way through a procedure — after I told him I become sexually fixated with anyone who touches my mouth. The mouth and anus are simply two ends of one tube. We are nothing more than a digestive track with nerve endings. To trace the concavity of my mouth with your finger is the same as tickling my prostrate. Love at first pinch.

I’m stuck on a diet of slim fast and baby food before I can get this thing off, so please. 1-800-what? I’ll charm my way onto any dentist’s chair. Just tell me the numbers.