1. If you’re going to do all my coke and hemorrhage your nasal cavity, please don’t collapse with your firm yet lush ass facing upwards. You are really turning me on, and I’m not even into men (on the weekends).
2. If you’re going wear a small Speedo that barely covers your generously sized dong, please don’t land in such a way that you’re fucking my gopher hole. My gopher hole is for Theodore, my gopher. Theodore doesn’t like the entrance to his home fucked by an overdosed model.
3. If you’re going to come to my pool party, bring all your eurotrash friends. Don’t just show up alone. It’s depressing when only one person shows up at your party. I even bought Chex mix.
4. If you’re not going to notice my alligator shoes, pool party sun glasses, or my passionfruit cocktail, at least notice my new hair cut. It cost more than a home in Peru.
5. If you’re going to tell your therapist about what some freak did to your bum while you were overdosed at his pool party, at least use my name.