Ever since Epicurious compared my absinthe ‘Mansinthe’ to ‘sewage water or swamp mud,’ sales have dropped. That’s fine with me, it still get’s the farm animals drunk, which is good times for me (I won’t digress).

So, we’ve removed the alcohol, added some sweat from by balls, and have teamed up with Mountain Dew to create their newest flavor: Teabag 1000.

For those who don’t know, Teabaggin’ is when somebody (me) lowers their sack into someone else’s (the critic at Epicurious) mouth. I can already imagine the review: “A complex scent: very nutty, with a faint redolence of choad.”

So come get some Teabag 1000. We removed all the pubes.