Jail can be an extremely dark and lonely place for young and attractive blondes like us. And if there is any advice I could offer to a fellow celebrity having to serve time for something their celebrity status should have clearly absolved them from, it would be this:
1. Bring a vibrator
Unfortunately some of the chores can be hard on the body, especially the neck and back. After a long day of garden duty, a hot towel and some Advil might do the trick, but nothing serves a stiff neck and sore back like a vibrator.
2. Bring extra batteries for vibrator
Once some of the other girls catch sight of your vibrator, they’ll jump at the opportunity to relieve some of their soreness as well. Before I knew it, my whole cellblock was using my vibrator. From what I could hear, they were enjoying its six different speeds and vibration modes.
3. Be persistent and aggressive
If you’re in the need for a pack of smokes, new linens, fresh towels, or any sort of weapon to protect yourself from your Puerto Rican cellmate who wants to knife you because you won’t share your seafood quiche recipe, ask around for help. There are some prisoners who have the resources and ability to get things, but they can be pretty hard bargainers. However, don’t take “no” for an answer and don’t stop at anything in order to get what you want (even if it means doing things you’ve never done before). Actually, you’ve probably done them already.
4. Cunnalingus
5. View this as a learning experience
Some of my greatest inspirations for new recipes came while I was serving time. You’ll be surprised to learn that “Fuck the Po’ Po’ Pot Pie”, “The Warden Must Suffer-Oven Stuffers”, and “Shower Time Key Lime” all came to me while in the pen.
It doesn’t have to be that bad, Paris. Just keep an open mind, don’t start feeling sorry for yourself, and if anyone fucks with you, punch ‘em in the titty.
Good Luck,
# 89255192 (Martha)
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