Associated Press

You Jews — and I don’t mean to sound accusatory here — but you Jews just can’t keep things to yourself. I woke up this morning to read that Condoleezza Rice (a finer piece of ass I’ve never seen) is back in Israel for peace talks. (I’d like to have her to MY holy land for “piece” talks.)

I’m all for peace, but going to Israel when there are real countries in need of our help is simply a waste of time. Condi, this is war time! Not time to flatter the Jews by pretending we care — there will be plenty of time later to go see Adam Sandler movies and listen to Conan O’Brien’s drummer hit those drums like they’re the fragile body of our Lord and Savior.

Associated Press

Just like most Americans, every morning I read all the celebrity gossip websites I can find. No, I don’t care about what Lindsay Lohan’s been up to or who Paris Hilton is showing her entitled taco to. I read these sites to see what I, Mel Gibson, have been up to. And sometimes where I’ve been.

Like all of you, I opened the paper one morning a few months back and read about my anti-Jewish rant. And if you think you were shocked, I was appalled. Me, anti-Jewish? I’d had a wet dream about Natalie Portman the night before.

Anyway, this morning, I’m surfing the internet gossip sites and I came across Gawker and found that a fascinating news story was developing. Apparently, the fine and peaceful Jewish folk at Gawker.com have offended the fine, non-confrontational Jewish folk elsewhere.

Associated Press

Had a lovely weekend. Saturday morning, I got up early and went to my local bank. I like to go to the bank on Saturday morning; it’s just a little less hectic. Upon leaving the bank, I still had a nice little hop in my step, the streets being clean and sanitary, as it is every Saturday morning. But when I arrived home, I noticed a troubling news story. Apparently, more than 100 Jewish leaders assembled this week in Jerusalem (Read: Palestine) to discuss the future of the Jews.

Associated Press

I know a little something about payback. I starred in the film adaptation of the word as Porter, a super bad-ass whose wife and best friend try to make off with his cut of 140 grand by shooting him twice in the back. But I survive …

I’m sure you recall this classic line:

Porter: [voiceover] You’d think after five months of lying on my back, I would have given up any idea of getting even, just be a nice guy and call it a day. Nice guys are fine: You have to have somebody to take advantage of, but they always finish last.

Associated Press

I am a changed man. You might say, I was meshuggener, but I’ve become a mentsh. I’ve spent the past few months meeting with leaders of the Jewish faith and discussing what this former Sexiest Man Alive® could do to make up for his indiscretions. I suggested perhaps I wear one of those those crazy little caps on my head for a week or a month, but I was told that would be a travesty to God, and the leaders decided that a nice way to show I’ve changed and get back into public favor would be with this web-log deal.

Saw a crazy thing at the newsstand today. Every morning, I go there, I get a cup of black coffee and a bagel with a shmear. Today, I’m taking a sip of my coffee and I see the cover of Maxim magazine. Headline: Women of the Israeli Defense Forces. My first reaction was disgust — natural reflex, anyone would have had the same. But then I got to flipping through that mag and I gotta tell ya, I don’t care if these pictures were of Jews, Blacks, or even Jewish Blacks (Is that a protype that exists?), these ladies had it going on. So I got on the horn and I called up my father, big reader, loves all periodicals. I said, “Pop, they got Jewish girls posing in Maxim magazine.”