Associated Press

As many of you know, the presidential fund-raising totals for the second quarter were announced recently. These figures are widely used to gauge a campaign’s strength and a candidate’s appeal. Anyway, just to show my all supporters how much I appreciate them, I’m now going to individually thank every single person who donated to our campaign this quarter.

Thank you, Donna O’Neil. Your donation of $30 was essential in the pressing of six “Gravel ‘08” buttons. We later misplaced them somewhere in the office, but they’ll turn up, I’m sure of it.

Thank you, Ed Kryzewski. You donated the maximum amount permissible by federal election law. That couldn’t have been easy to do. Especially since your wife needed that money for her lung surgery. My condolences.

Thank you, Martin Gravel. It really brought a tear to my eye when we received your check, son. I’ll see you at dinner later tonight.

Thank you, Doug Phillips. You sent in $69 in pennies, which we think might have been some kind of practical joke. The joke is on you though, because we rolled every one of those pennies over the course of two grueling weeks. They have now been absorbed into the Gravel juggernaut.

Well, that’s all of you. Keep up the good work. I’m going to go try to pawn some personal effects.