Enough already, with the squirrel jokes. I mean, it was college. So what if me and some buddies ate a little squirrel? It’s not like we cooked them alive. I mean, who amongst you is so primp and pompous as to claim never to have cooked a park rodent in a popcorn popper in a dingy college dorm at three in the morning? Apparently, not these clowns:

A beautiful baby boy

Did you hear what I’m up to? No? You stopped paying attention? I figured as much. So I’m doing some super whacky conservative crap. I endorsed an amendment to Colorado’s constitution that will define life as beginning at conception. I also said I want it added to the U.S. Constitution.

You see back when the Constitution was written, there were no abortions. If an unwanted pregnancy occurred, the father would completely abandon the woman and move to another town. The child would grow up a bastard, never to be given a fair shake and everyone was happy (except the single moms and bastard children).

I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume if the founding fathers were resurrected as half-dead zombies, the first thing they would do would be to pass this amendment. (The second thing, naturally, would be to eat our brains.)

I’d like to take this opportunity to address some common questions I’ve heard about this amendment.

So if this thing is ratified, could people who get abortions be prosecuted for murder?

Didn’t win any primaries last night, but that’s OK. As I’ve already explained, I’m in the business of miracles not mathematics. Apostles not arithmetic. The trinity not trigonometry.

I’m sick of people telling me that I’m mathematically eliminated, and that the delegate count is an absolute sum. They tried telling me that my love for Jesus had bounds, but I proved that quantity to be infinity plus five.

But like I said, I’m in the business of miracles. And as the resident miracle expert, you probably want a specific report. Like granola, miracles come in clusters, and there’s reason to be optimistic:

• Uno, the beautiful two-year-old beagle won best in show at Westminster last night. It was the first time in the contest’s 132-year history that a beagle was awarded top dog! In many way’s I’m like a beagle: simple, loyal, good for hunting.

Uno, the miracle beagle

Everyone is congratulating me for picking up five states in last night’s contests. I went on to make lame analogies comparing this victory to David vs Goliath and the New York Giants over the New England Patriots.

But you probably could tell my heart wasn’t in it. I mean look at these campaign signs:

Associated Press

“I Like Mike!”? My last name is Huckabee for Christ’s sake. You guys couldn’t think of anything more clever than this? “I Heart Huckabee” was better — agreed it was a liberal, Godless movie — but still better. I mean here are a few I just thought up in 45 seconds:

• Can’t you see, It’s Huckabee
• Huckabee and Bobby McGee
• No Monk-eys, Pick Huckabee
• Alzheimer-free, that’s Huckabee
• Fuckatree with Huckabee

Associated Press

Trust me folks, it’s no big deal that, after suffering a number of consecutive defeats in the primaries, I’ve decided to scale back campaign spending. Instead I’ll spend the money on food.

And not the healthy kind. Ever since I was betrayed by my Christian brethren in South Carolina, I’ve been on a steady diet of artery-cloggin’ junk food. Now I’m spending money on Arby’s instead of ads; Dunkin’ Donuts instead of direct mail; hot dogs instead of hookers. Truth is, even when I lost my weight, I still saw a fat man in the mirror. Unfortunately, it’s not all in my head anymore.

Associated Press

Well how about that, folks? I pulled off the win in Iowa! This was, of course, inevitable. Just how inevitable? Lets say, more so then the sun rising, the sun setting, or Lindsey Lohan falling off the wagon … but that ain’t gonna stop me from gloating.

No folks, the only stick in my craw, the only fly in my ointment—the only polyp in my rectum today is the fact Mitt Romney, a man with a very suspicious abundance of children, even for a Mormon, still managed to win 25% –and in Iowa of all states. That’s like if Hollywood picked Hitler for mayor.

If a Mormon candidate can get 25% in a state that is second in it’s Christian fervor only to Texas, then the people of Iowa must be confused. Were you really that close to electing a man named after a piece of athletic equipment? He doesn’t even hunt for Christ’s sake! Shame on you, Iowa. Thanks for the nomination and all that, but seriously, shame on you.

From the Western shore of Iowa to the Eastern Pakistan/Afghanistan border, my message of fundamental Christianity wrapped in a blanket of optimism and populism are winning over voters in ways no man ever has. But I’ve come under attack from Mitt Romney, whose vicious, factual negative ads are making everybody rethink why they were supporting me in the first place. I have valiantly refused to return his attacks with my own negative ads, except during elaborately staged press conferences in front of the local, state, and national media–but that’s it.

Associated Press

And that media, by the way, is really playing up this whole “Huckabee is strangely unaware of current events and foreign policy angle.” Because of things like thinking Leno’s writers weren’t on strike when I went on the show last night, having no knowledge of a very important intelligence report on Iran, thinking there was still a state of emergency at the time of Benazir Bhutto’s assassination, even now not knowing who Benazir Bhutto is or why everyone is talking about her, not being able to name the country she was killed in or its general location on Earth, and at one time being very fat, the media is trying to make me look foolish.

Associated Press

It’s finally here, folks. The dawn of a Huckabee nation is nigh! I’m surging like rabbits in heat. National polls now have me in second place, up from fifth just a month ago.

Now that I’m in the spotlight, I’ve actually had to come up with some stuff to say about issues like immigration, homeland security, and education—things that I truly know nothing about. I was also very disappointed to find absolutely nothing about water boarding or school vouchers in the Bible. Why do you think I hadn’t heard about the NIE report on Iran’s nuclear program? I’d been combing Leviticus for a solution to the sub-prime mortgage crisis since four in the morning!

Even more damaging to my campaign and emotional stability are the attacks on my character. At first, I was elated to be Newsweek’s cover story (“Holy Huckabee! The Unlikely Rise of Preacher Politician”)… but then I read the article.

So what if I pressured the Arkansas parole board to release a convicted rapist. I mean, the guy said he was sorry. His eyes said he meant it or that he really didn’t want to be in jail anymore. Besides, the man was castrated in police custody, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t try it again.

I’d like the chance to elaborate more on the recent accusations that I promoted the quarantining of AIDS patients in 1992. Now I never actually said we should quarantine, I just mentioned that we weren’t doing it. Maybe somebody meant to do it and they just plumb forgot about it. Like maybe someone planned to send all of them to Madagascar, where they would have sinful sex with each other without infecting our air.

Why weren’t we doing it? Probably political correctness and public sympathy. Magic Johnson had revealed that he was infected with the virus, and he was a very popular player. I enjoyed watching Magic, but I haven’t stepped foot in an NBA arena since he announced his disease. Instead I watch the Jonesboro Crayfish of the Ozark League.