I’d like the chance to elaborate more on the recent accusations that I promoted the quarantining of AIDS patients in 1992. Now I never actually said we should quarantine, I just mentioned that we weren’t doing it. Maybe somebody meant to do it and they just plumb forgot about it. Like maybe someone planned to send all of them to Madagascar, where they would have sinful sex with each other without infecting our air.

Why weren’t we doing it? Probably political correctness and public sympathy. Magic Johnson had revealed that he was infected with the virus, and he was a very popular player. I enjoyed watching Magic, but I haven’t stepped foot in an NBA arena since he announced his disease. Instead I watch the Jonesboro Crayfish of the Ozark League.

Back then, I also may have said something about not spending government money on research for a cure, instead leaving it to, specifically, Elizabeth Taylor and Madonna. I wasn’t mocking those celebrities and their liberal values — they had expressed an interest in spearheading the AIDS research program and I didn’t want to steal their thunder. Thou shalt not steal.