From the Western shore of Iowa to the Eastern Pakistan/Afghanistan border, my message of fundamental Christianity wrapped in a blanket of optimism and populism are winning over voters in ways no man ever has. But I’ve come under attack from Mitt Romney, whose vicious, factual negative ads are making everybody rethink why they were supporting me in the first place. I have valiantly refused to return his attacks with my own negative ads, except during elaborately staged press conferences in front of the local, state, and national media–but that’s it.

Associated Press

And that media, by the way, is really playing up this whole “Huckabee is strangely unaware of current events and foreign policy angle.” Because of things like thinking Leno’s writers weren’t on strike when I went on the show last night, having no knowledge of a very important intelligence report on Iran, thinking there was still a state of emergency at the time of Benazir Bhutto’s assassination, even now not knowing who Benazir Bhutto is or why everyone is talking about her, not being able to name the country she was killed in or its general location on Earth, and at one time being very fat, the media is trying to make me look foolish.

When really, the president of the United States isn’t expected to know what’s happening in the world. Look at George W. Bush: the man is a fucking saint, and he hasn’t a clue. Clinton only used newspapers to roll up and insert into interns’ vaginas, I’m told.

Look, I’m too busy filming commercials I will never air to pick up a paper or get a briefing. Do you realize how many negative ads I’ve made and held off the air? 103. That’s not a typo. That’s a promise.