Associated Press

Well how about that, folks? I pulled off the win in Iowa! This was, of course, inevitable. Just how inevitable? Lets say, more so then the sun rising, the sun setting, or Lindsey Lohan falling off the wagon … but that ain’t gonna stop me from gloating.

No folks, the only stick in my craw, the only fly in my ointment—the only polyp in my rectum today is the fact Mitt Romney, a man with a very suspicious abundance of children, even for a Mormon, still managed to win 25% –and in Iowa of all states. That’s like if Hollywood picked Hitler for mayor.

If a Mormon candidate can get 25% in a state that is second in it’s Christian fervor only to Texas, then the people of Iowa must be confused. Were you really that close to electing a man named after a piece of athletic equipment? He doesn’t even hunt for Christ’s sake! Shame on you, Iowa. Thanks for the nomination and all that, but seriously, shame on you.