Associated Press

Trust me folks, it’s no big deal that, after suffering a number of consecutive defeats in the primaries, I’ve decided to scale back campaign spending. Instead I’ll spend the money on food.

And not the healthy kind. Ever since I was betrayed by my Christian brethren in South Carolina, I’ve been on a steady diet of artery-cloggin’ junk food. Now I’m spending money on Arby’s instead of ads; Dunkin’ Donuts instead of direct mail; hot dogs instead of hookers. Truth is, even when I lost my weight, I still saw a fat man in the mirror. Unfortunately, it’s not all in my head anymore.

But let’s pray the situation can reverse itself. It’s all on Florida. If I disappoint Chuck Norris, he promised to use me as a bow-flex. And I don’t know how to explain that much male on male straddling to my base.