Didn’t win any primaries last night, but that’s OK. As I’ve already explained, I’m in the business of miracles not mathematics. Apostles not arithmetic. The trinity not trigonometry.

I’m sick of people telling me that I’m mathematically eliminated, and that the delegate count is an absolute sum. They tried telling me that my love for Jesus had bounds, but I proved that quantity to be infinity plus five.

But like I said, I’m in the business of miracles. And as the resident miracle expert, you probably want a specific report. Like granola, miracles come in clusters, and there’s reason to be optimistic:

• Uno, the beautiful two-year-old beagle won best in show at Westminster last night. It was the first time in the contest’s 132-year history that a beagle was awarded top dog! In many way’s I’m like a beagle: simple, loyal, good for hunting.

Uno, the miracle beagle

• One of the most notorious and evil terrorists, Imad Mughniyeh (aka the fox), was killed yesterday! His resume of terror dates back to the 1970s and he was so wily, he even got plastic surgery to change his appearance! That is so cool. I wonder if the Israelis tore off his new face before they killed him.
• My fortune cookie that came with my order of beef with broccoli last night was chocolate! A chocolate fortune cookie is pretty unbelievable, but what’s more, the fortune inside said, “You will face a difficult decision, concession may be appropriate.” You see how it says, “may be appropriate” instead of “an utter necessity.”