<!--[if gte mso 9]> Normal 0 <![endif]-->

What the hell is a Mindy McCready and how did she land an all star pitcher at 15? This bitch never even got photographed half-naked and she lands Roger Clemens. Well I'm sorry but there ain't no way a Mindy's topping a Miley.

So I've set my sights on my own all star pitcher. Now, like half of them are Mexicans, and Daddy don't play that. He says if I bring home anybody darker than him, then I'm getting a whipping. And those Japanese pitchers? I don't think so. I've got enough problems without going through life as Miley Ming Wang.

So it's Josh Beckett. He's kind of cute, and he was born in Texas which is the capitol of marrying 15-year-olds.

So Josh, maybe next time you're in LA you can sleaze on in to a 15 and under karaoke party where I'll be knocking them dead, and we can begin our own torrid affair for ten years until you become 37, fat, bald and gross, and I dump you.

I kind of understand why people are so upset about  me riding a stool bareback. But there is nothing wrong or sexual with this picture:

Fact is both Annie, Daddy and I agreed this was the lamest picture we took.  These were our favorites that didn't make the spread:

The Pimp Daddy Photo: Daddy is sitting in his Cadillac dressed in a pink and yellow suit with a wide rimmed hat, peering over his shades as I bend in the car, my short, short, short skirt showing a hint of skin and slip him $100 I took off a "john." Get it? It's like Daddy's pimping my body out for money? HA HA HA. As if.

The Miley on a leash photo: The only thing  Daddy loves more than me and plucking his strings is his dogs. In this picture I'm wearing one of the dogs collars, on all fours, with my tongue out. While Daddy holds the leash, I blindly follow. What a hoot!

OMG! I am so embarrassed by those Vanity Fair pictures. These pictures were not my fault. Annie Leibovitz manipulated me! You cannot say no to that  lesbian. I heard she put out a cigarette on Madonna’s titty tassels. 

"The photograph is a simple, classic portrait, shot with very little makeup, and I think it is very beautiful."

She was just trying to capture the carefree innocence of child pornography.

Disney is going to be publishing my totally awesome autobiography; they say they are going to get a “ghost writer.” No way! All those dead guys’ books are so boring.

Here is a preview:

• Birth: Awesome! I was so beautiful the doctor wept as he slapped me. Daddy then punched him for touching my ass.
• Afterbirth: Awesome! Sent to the Grand Old Opry to be put on display.
• First words: Awesome! Really.
• Puberty: Redacted by Daddy.
• Hannah Montana: Awesome! Disney had some stupid show idea about a girl who is secretly a famous singer and disguises herself in a lame wig. Totally bogus. But then they hired me and it’s the greatest show ever.
• Future: Awesome! Except for a stint in prison for killing Julianne Hough with a nine-inch heel for booty-calling my baby daddy Adam Carolla.
  

This was supposed to be the best week of my life.

It started with Idol Gives Back. I was the only artist to perform two solos. Take that you old hags Mariah, Carrie, Fergie and whatever the hell an Annie Lenox is. Did you see me wholesomely caress my ass? Or wholesomely grind my crotch? Or wholesomely wag my head like a Yorkie trying to lose the strap-on antlers during the family Christmas card.

I performed at Idol Gives Back Sunday night. I was so pissed they made me stand with Larry King!

Ugh! Not that I could go near Ryan Seacrest. He totally tongued me on Dick Clark's New Year Rockin' Eve. I thought he was a good looking fourth grader and then Carrie Underwood (total slut) told me he's like 50. I totally got tongued by a dwarf, gross.

Speaking of dwarfs I thought that David Archuleta was the kid who plays Rico on my show.

I gave him the usual deal, he could touch my butt for five seconds then he'd have to buy me a Coke, but for some reason he wanted to hold David Cook's butt. Don't blame him, he's so dreamy: 

In, what was, you know, like totally predictable, I swept the Kids Choice Awards: Best Actress, Best Singer, Best Hair, Best Daddy, Best Wholesome Appearance Masking A Bratty Interior.

Your children are growing older; some day they will be adults, and I will be their Queen. Your daughters want to be like me. Your sons want to be with me. Your dog wants to be found in the street by me. I'm in this for the long haul. No teenage pregnancies for Miley. No oops I forgot my panties moments. No getting caught drinking two days after re-hab. Not even any re-hab.

I am going to stay, wholesome, sweet smiley Miley until the very sight of me makes you want to open fire at a pre-school dance recital. I am America's princess. You'll be praying for Britney's bare beaver in no time.