I performed at Idol Gives Back Sunday night. I was so pissed they made me stand with Larry King!

Ugh! Not that I could go near Ryan Seacrest. He totally tongued me on Dick Clark's New Year Rockin' Eve. I thought he was a good looking fourth grader and then Carrie Underwood (total slut) told me he's like 50. I totally got tongued by a dwarf, gross.

Speaking of dwarfs I thought that David Archuleta was the kid who plays Rico on my show.

I gave him the usual deal, he could touch my butt for five seconds then he'd have to buy me a Coke, but for some reason he wanted to hold David Cook's butt. Don't blame him, he's so dreamy: