This was supposed to be the best week of my life.

It started with Idol Gives Back. I was the only artist to perform two solos. Take that you old hags Mariah, Carrie, Fergie and whatever the hell an Annie Lenox is. Did you see me wholesomely caress my ass? Or wholesomely grind my crotch? Or wholesomely wag my head like a Yorkie trying to lose the strap-on antlers during the family Christmas card.

Then came the big time, hosting the Country Music Television Awards. But then my lord and savior foresaked me. Jesus took the wheel and left me with "strep throat." It was the worst time ever for me to get "strep throat." WTF? Why is "strep throat" in quotation marks? Honestly I had "strep throat." Damn there they are again.

Frickin' quotation marks.