Disney is going to be publishing my totally awesome autobiography; they say they are going to get a “ghost writer.” No way! All those dead guys’ books are so boring.

Here is a preview:

• Birth: Awesome! I was so beautiful the doctor wept as he slapped me. Daddy then punched him for touching my ass.
• Afterbirth: Awesome! Sent to the Grand Old Opry to be put on display.
• First words: Awesome! Really.
• Puberty: Redacted by Daddy.
• Hannah Montana: Awesome! Disney had some stupid show idea about a girl who is secretly a famous singer and disguises herself in a lame wig. Totally bogus. But then they hired me and it’s the greatest show ever.
• Future: Awesome! Except for a stint in prison for killing Julianne Hough with a nine-inch heel for booty-calling my baby daddy Adam Carolla.