WTF? The little blonde twit who beat my Daddy off of Dancing With the Stars, Jennifer Hough, is claiming she’s a virgin. Sorry be-atch but there’s only room for one virgin in the ABC-Disney universe and it ain’t you. I’m not saving myself just to share the celibate spotlight. Definitely TMTH.

Anyways Daddy says the backstage DWTS gossip was that you did the naughty with both the skater and the driver. And even if you didn’t there is no way you’ll be able to keep away from Adam Carolla.

His dark, swarthy look, his one eyebrow, his poker player’s build. Honey, I’m one Pasodoble away from being the only virgin in Disney Land.

OMG! Ryan I am soooo embarrassed.

I so didn’t know that reporter was going to write what I said about you. I mean I do think you’re super cute. And you know if you wanted to ask me to hang out at the mall or go to a movie I wouldn’t say no (could you say you were my Uncle so I can get into Semi-Pro?)

I only mentioned you because, you know, you’re so close to my Daddy. My BFF Lindsay says that its weird that he’s a 50-year-old guy hanging out with a 25-year-old man, and that he has highlights in his hair, and he liked practicing lifts with the other males on Dancing With the Stars. And … OMG! My Daddy’s f***ing Ryan Cabrera - on a bed, in a car, in a country western bar.

Daddy! You stole my boyfriend! I hate you!

PS: Ryan, I don’t care if you’re ****ing Daddy. Call me.

When you go on the Tonight Show you have to do something memorable. I know there’s my amazing talent and rockin’ bod’ but sometimes you need a little more.

Then I thought about all the things I like to put in my mouth. I have pleased more people by putting things in my mouth than by singing.

I said to Mr Leno there’s nothing weird about putting ketchup in your mouth: “It’s just good.” I mean everybody does it. It’s not like its bad for you. Like I told Mr. Leno: “It’s a liquid technically. It’s half the calories.”

Once I had filled my mouth with it I showed the audience and everyone cheered. It’s all true! Check it out!

After my stellar performance at the Grammys and the Oscars Daddy said that I am finally ready for the Big One: The Country Music Awards, and we’re hosting. Take that Hannah Montana! Er, I mean Carrie Underwood.

Daddy and I will be singing together too and it will be so much better than when Alicia Keys sang at the Grammys with her dead father Frank. But only if Daddy starts remembering some Dancing With the Stars moves. C’mon Daddy. Ready, set, don’t suck.

Anyway, maybe I can talk him into giving America what it wants, me performing alone. I’m so looking forwards to after the CMA’s, we roast a pig, go raccoon hunting then all go to the gym and vote for John McCain.

I thought the Oscars were like totally cool! I looked so hot in my red dress. Take that Hannah Montana, I mean Taylor Swift (back off Insider I don’t have an identity crises.)

Here are some other Oscar thoughts:

• I have no idea who you are Dirty Old Man Gary Busey but I know I don’t have an Uncle Gary and Daddy is seriously opening a can of whoop ass on you.
• Um excuse me Cameron Diaz, Miss Thaing, but just because I don’t want a hit off your cigarette doesn’t make me “Daddy’s little Princess.” Oh, and just so you know, cigarettes are the doorbell to gateway drugs so I’ll be looking for you in Britney land.

Not only am I presenting an award at the Oscars (oh please! Please let me be with Zac Efron and not some old fart like George Clooney, PLLLEEEAASSEEE!) I will also be interviewed by Barbara Walters. (She’s the old woman on Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s show. She’s so old she actually interviewed Brad Pitt when he was young!) It makes sense that the interview will air on Oscar night because I have been in two movies.

Mrs. Walters was so confusing during the interview. It took me twenty minutes to figure out who Billy Way Cywus was. And she was gross too. She kept asking me about boys. It was like when Grandma tried to give me the sex talk. EWWWW!