What? Who? Who won? Why? The ladies! The ladies didn’t vote for me? Damn. Why you gotta be like that? Don’t I treat you right? You know he from Arkansas? And you still all into him. Is it ’cause he play bass guitar? Is it ’cause he know Chuck Norris?

Girl if you vote for me I treat you so right. I got so many bills to spend witch you. I buy you furs, girl! I spent over seven mil, and a lot of that was my own money.

Is it cuz of healf care? Or because I a Mormon? Girl, we’ve been over this. Being a Mormon is like being short. It’s just something you is. Because Huckabee go to church you vote for him. Because he God fearin’ you gotta be all up on him.

Two great cyclones have joined forces. Hell yeah! Tom “Power Bomb” Tancredo has dropped out of the race and thrown his support behind me, Mitt “The Enforcer” Romney. What does this mean for our opponents? Pain. A whole world of pain.

Let’s review some other famous feuds that ended in powerful unification:

-Chocolate and peanut butter: Peanut butter, a relative new comer on the world culinary scene immediately challenged the old favorite chocolate for market share. PB was a man of the people, filling sandwiches and cookies, while choco was a snotty, elitist product of Switzerland. It took Reese’s to put them together (Mitt LOVES peanut butter cups) and they’ve been rocking it ever since. (Rumor has it that peanut butter isn’t even natural but was instead created in lab by the evil Dr. George Washington Carver.)

-Oil and water: Seriously? Is this a punch line? No, Mitt’s being very serious. Let’s ask salad dressing if I’m serious. Or mayonnaise. How about butter, margarine, laundry detergent or even espresso. I think we’re all happy these guys learned to see eye to eye.

It’s true. I said that there won’t be any Muslims in my cabinet if elected president. Especially not any ones with bombs strapped to their chests. (Let me just say this, before I shake hands with any Muslim or Sikh or swami, I ask them to pull up their shirts to prove they don’t have bomb strapped to their chest.)

Me and my kinda-gay cabinet member.

Why no Mohammadites in the Romsters inner circle? Easy. They don’t make up a large enough percentage of the population to warrant a full cabinet post. Some people see this as a lame excuse. I see it as a brilliant excuse. Excuse is the wrong word I guess. A brilliant … evasion. (Seriously, why do you think it just happened to Hillary?)

There’s a rumor going around that my campaign is behind a series of anti-Romney push-polls. Well that is ridiculous. Hurting myself to somehow help my standings? Because of these push polls I’ve had to spend much more time in the media spotlight giving impassioned speeches and restating my stances on the issues (not to mention my positive outlook for Americas future). Do you think I like being all over the t.v. and radio talking to the news media?

Let me guess. You probably think FDR let Pearl Harbor happen just so we could join the war. And that Coke released New Coke as a marketing ploy to then release Coke Classic (and save money by changing to high-fructose corn syrup). You probably also think that Tuskegee Institute secretly denied syphilis treatment to poor African American men to study the diseases effects. That’s a horrific thought.

John King of CNN has called me “The Methodical Tortoise”. As far as nicknames it’s not too bad. In grade school I was called “The Penis Mitt”, implying I catch penises, which I don’t. So “Methodical Tortoise” isn’t so bad. And this tortoise will win the race.

Blah, blah, blah I’m a Mormon. Let’s make a mountain out of this mole hill Politico. Are we so different? Just to show that Mormons are constructive members of society, here is a list of popular Mormons:

Acting:

• Ryan Gosling: Heart-throb. The Rick Schroeder of the 2000’s.
• Rick Schroeder: Heart-throb. The Ryan Gosling of the 80’s.
• Jared Hess: Director/writer of Napoleon Dynamite. Tina eat your Jell-o!
• Wilfred Brimley: He eats oats and he’s diobetic.
• Gordon Jump: WKRP, Maytag Man, believer!

Music:

• The Osmonds: Move over Oakridge boys.
• Brandon Flowers from The Killers. That’s right teenie boppers, he’s a member of “the Faith”.
• The bassist from Dishwalla, the bassist from the Aquabats and the bassist from Arcade Fire — all Mormons. (The bassist for The Killers is a Methodist.)
• and Warren Zonvon’s mother.

As Senator Craig said, I did throw him off the bus, drive over him and then drive over him again.

But you have to realize my bus has a wide stance. That was a joke. You want to hear another one? Larry Craig is straight.

Look, I have no kind words for Larry Craig and you wouldn’t either if you had ride around the country in a campaign bus with him. Driving across America with him has been the worst experience of my life.

Firstly, we can’t pass a Cracker Barrel without Larry insisting we stop. He spends all of his per diem in the country store on lame sweaters for his wife and DVDs of the Andy Griffith Show. (The hash brown casserole is delicious, but how much can one person eat?)

You name the car game, and he’ll cheat at it. I-spy, alphabet game, travel Battleship. And he has the most lame excuses. “The sun light was glinting off my glasses so that stop sign looked blue.” or “I thought that the patrol boat was allowed to move around the board.” So lame! Just admit it, you’re busted.

The worst thing he did was to break the most sacred rule of all cross-country bus trips.

You see that baloney that Boo-liani was serving up last night? Wow. What a bunch of Ka-ka-dookie. He said he’s done more to get rid of taxes than me. We’ll see about that.

I don’t know if you saw this article, but apparently one of the largest contributors to my campaign is me. Let me be the first to say that I am just as shocked as you are. There appears to be some kind of mistake. A clerical error. Or… a mystery! Somebody call Jessica Fletcher, we need that wrinkly old bat to crack this case.

I have never given any money to myself, that is preposterous. Who could have done such a thing? If I had to name a suspect I would only name one man. A dastardly fiend who has thwarted my every move in government. It was he who gave that pro-abortion speech. It was he that made that statement about gay rights. He is also, alas, my evil twin. His name is Garth Romney. (Kinda like Michael Knights evil twin Garth Knight. Same look but with pencil thin mustache.)